Dark Humor Jokes

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom...so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

Just saw a car with a license plate that says FLSH ME. Ok, douche. What are you, a dead goldfish? Flush yourself.

If I ever kill someone I'm dumping the body in a cemetery. Police will find it and be like "oh yeah this makes sense."

fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat... cat: LOL THAT'S SO YOU!

I'm just not convinced that banning the sale of sentient death robots decreases deaths. The research just isn't there.

People in love use phrases like "takes my breath away" and "swept me off my feet". I think they're confusing love with attempted murder.

Instead of smoking cigarettes, switch to hanging just outside an establishment, casually repeating that you want to die.

At this point, I think the people on "The Walking Dead" are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

If you're ever on death row, request Denny's for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

"Sleep is for the dead". Yeah cos you look so alive when you're yawning. #stupidsayings

Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism? Me: I've been.. Doc: ... Me: ... Doc: ... Me: ... Doc: ... Me: Coffin. Doc: get out

Guarantees in life 1. Death 2. A waitress will ask how everything is while your mouth is full but never be around when you need a refill

The inventor of the salad spinner would be spinning in his grave if he would have been buried in a salad spinner.

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams "I wish I was dead," but God hears "Deb," so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

Michelle Obama telling America to drink more water is the best plan I've heard for making racists dehydrate to death.

Career day: Hi kids I'm Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?"

Mario and Luigi fight to the death, in "The Plunger Games".

Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.

I try to say at least one bad thing about somebody after they die just to counter all the compliments they're getting.

Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

"My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....

Being an adult is just a competition to see how many times you can say "storage space" before you die.