The best part of working out is the sweating and the pain and the feeling bad about myself and the burning desire to die#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[on death row] "what would you like for your last meal?" "A McRib" "McRib doesnt come back for 6 more mont...oooh well played!"#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
6am: Too tired 8am: This isn't so bad 1pm: OMG so tired 5pm: zombie 8pm: Dead 10pm: LETS SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL & OVERTHINK FOR HOURS#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Do you want to go out on a date?" *sweats nervously* I C-CAN'T "Why?" *shoots friend next to him* I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND'S FUNERAL#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Bags packed, leaving the ex] Ex:"I hope you have a slow and painful death!" Me:"So now you want me to stay?"#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I scratch your back, you scratch mine. We die from loss of blood.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they're so short.#Religion#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Did you know that by today's standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?#Marilyn Monroe#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who's murder you're secretly plotting.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he'd say "Hello Hello, so you think he'd answered and that's why he's dead.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife's trying to murder you Me: How'd you know? P: *sees knife in my back* I'm good#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says "keep up the good work fellas!!" just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Woman impregnated at Motorhead concert seeks father on Craigslist." And they say romance is dead#Craigslist#Parents#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Other girls think they are quirky because they pet dogs at parties. I on the other hand, fear death but also long for it#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A lot of people are only alive because I shed too much hair to ever get away with murder.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[creating man] GOD: They need air to live ANGEL: Done G: And food A: Ok G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes A: wtf?#Angel#Food#Religion#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I'll have a chance to clear my schedule and die#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die I don't want a big funeral. I'd just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life...#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
The Black Death was the best disease. Any attempts to replicate it are just plague-iarism.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
7 out of 10 people believe in Life after death. The other 3 don't even like cereal.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Ouija Board] "Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets" You'll die soon "OMG HOW" Hold on I have another call#Ouija Board#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Maybe the dinosaur extinction was a murder suicide by the T-Rex. If I couldn't jerk off because my arms were to short I'd kill everyone too.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
muppets cannot die and nobody else seems to be worried about this#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp