Dark Humor Jokes

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

*wakes from a dead sleep* SHOULDN'T RED BULL GIVE YOU HORNS?

Don't email me a link to a 6 minute youtube video. I wouldn't watch a video that long if in contained clues to solve my own murder.

[first date] HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose? ME: definitely my ability to see dead people. HER:

-You think I'd make a bad Private Eye 'cause I can't read body language? I will prove you wrong! -Sir, you're talking to the murder victim

This is just a quick reminder that we're all gonna die one day so don't get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

Four Worst Feelings Ever: 4. Losing your job 3. Romantic break up 2. Death of a loved one 1. Needing to pee when you're stuck in traffic

I don't see dead people, but I do always see spiders that aren't really there.

you live and learn, me, i try to die and unlearn as much possible. thats the difference between you and me, those things

Chivalry isn't dead. He's just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

This will make you feel old: Die Hard came out 67 years ago today.

Sometimes I try to eat healthy but my stomach's like "what if you die tomorrow?" and I'm like "good point" and I have a whole pizza.

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

I want to pick up a hitchhiker before I die. Not like right before I die, but you know.

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

You're one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What's not to like about birthdays?

Me: Excuse me sir, what's your Wi-Fi password? Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily] THIS IS A FUNERAL Me: *[Types in] THIS IS A FUNERAL

When I die, I hope it's doing something I hate. That way I'll be glad I'm dead.

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

If you don't get sarcasm, follow these simple steps that will definitely help you understand it easily: Die.

Judge: Did you commit murder? Me: I'm a man. I'm afraid of commitment. Judge: hahaha! Me: hahaha! Judge: Life.

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I'm so excited! What are you trying to buy? Me: oh I can't afford anything, I'm hoping to be trampled to death

You know that feeling you get when you meet someone and your heart skips a beat? Ya, that's arrhythmia. You can die from that.