Dark Humor Jokes

I honked at the funeral procession out of SUPPORT

911: What's your emergency? THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE 911: Barista? IT'S A GUY. BARISTO 911: No, it's still- Nm he's dead now

Die Hard VIII: Die Even More Harder: Mostest Harderest.

Mufasa didn't die, he just went out for a pack of smokes and a newspaper. - The Lyin' King

All life is precious. Unless you're an accountant, then you welcome sweet death.

Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he's dead he's a great Wife: I swear to God I'll divorce you Me: *through tears* Decomposer.

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans. I find it lightens the mood.

I'm just like Bob Marley but not black or Jamaican or talented or dead but my hair gets tangly .

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I'm just going to let him die.

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you...

The only way I'd get within six feet of some people is if I'm standing on their grave.

*googles murder tips *adds "asking for a friend" at the end of each search They won't be able to prove a thing! *evil cackles

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

[Death Row] GUARD: last requests? INMATE: a little heroin would be nice TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard* INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

DOC: good news is you'll make it ME: phew! DOC: ...into the the record book for stupidest way to die ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*

If you love someone: 1. Set them free 2. Drunk dial them 3. Read too much into their FB posts 4. Make them feel sorry for you 5. Die alone

Everybody mad at me like it's common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn't go to funeral college.

You can't swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here! Of course, if you're swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn't be so judgy.

If you're using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too. Inspirational tweet.

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: "If I wasn't already dead, your outfit would've killed me".

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy? Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines. Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

I find the best way to deal with death is not to be the person who is dead.

He died doing what he loved; getting stabbed to death in a TJ Maxx.