Cookie Monster delivering the eulogy at Bert's funeral. Head bowed low. Stillness. "Me want cookies," he sadly intones. "Me want cookies."#Berts#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[first day as funeral director] this is the dress she wants to be buried in "It's very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin"#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Well Officer..we didn't have a bottle so that dead guy over there.. "Him?" No the other dead guy..suggested "Spin The .44"..And I WON!#Police#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you're about to feel like this forever#Animals#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I'd never be caught dead at a Walmart.#Walmart#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[funeral] ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
DAD: I want a steak. HER: Eat this chicken instead. It's healthy. DAD: No it isn't. It's dead.#Animals#Parents#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you'll find a dead body#Law And Order#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Friend: Did Eric survive the bear attack? Me: 'BEAR'-ly! F: HA! Any injuries? Me: {nervously} Ooooohhhhh BAD JOKE... He's definitely dead...#Did Eric#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!" - Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.#Aging#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
TUPAC IS DEAD BIGGIE IS DEAD AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If I could have dinner with anybody living or dead, I would choose someone who is dead so I didn't have to listen to them chew.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Not afraid of death anymore because I just woke up from a nap I didn't even know I was having.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Smells fresh. Like a tropical island." "Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family's been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!"#Island Ok#Driving#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, "significantly less bleeding." Less bleeding is good for not being dead.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Oh look what the cat dragged in [cat drags in dead body] Cat: quick we need 20lbs of lye and two shovels#Animals#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
To be honest, I'm not going to be completely happy until Facebook implements a 'I Wish You Were Dead' button.#Facebook#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm afraid my pet's going to die soon - he's already 14,000,000 in rock-years#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Better to die on your feet than live on your knees!" cried the revolutionary. "That's what Che said," whispered his comrade.#Che#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I'm pretty sure I'm going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp