Sometimes when I'm bored I send a text to a random number saying, "ok they're dead, what do I do with the body?"#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS!!! 1): Hold your breath for 5 minutes 2): Die#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall - & I'm like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning#Wall And Im#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*Nerdy guys phone rings* JOCK: "Who was that, your girlfriend?" *Everyone laughs* NERD: "Nope. It was yours." *Dead silence*#Dating#Technology#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die, I'd like my coffin to be filled with Reese's Pieces so on my headstone it can say "R.I.R.P."#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It must get awkward when someone by accident makes one of those "I let him get away with murder" jokes around O.J Simpson.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.#Marriage#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
A guy told me I'm bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Talk to your doctor about Chillaxin (Side-effects include incontinence, hallucinations, drooling, naps, shy dooky & death)#Doctor#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Many people are surprised to hear I'm married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.#Marriage#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I'm a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I'm Wanted / dead and alive! - Bon Schroedi#Animals#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
17: If I was gay would you still love me? Me: Of course. 17: If I committed crimes? Me: Yes. 17: If I voted for Trump- Me: Dead to me.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Came downstairs to find my 85 year old mum watching the TV Me:" Why are you watching Thatcher's funeral?" Mum: "Just to make sure"#Thatchers#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Lion King is my favourite movie about an innocent baby animal. Being framed for murder.#Animals#Kids#Dark Humor#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane) 5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN'T STRONG & HE'LL DIE SOON RIGHT#Parents#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I was a kid I got in trouble for playing with Grandma Bella in the sandbox. Can't play with dead bodies apparently.#Grandma Bella#Aging#Kids#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife's office Christmas party.#Marriage#Work#Holiday#Dark Humor+1 more0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
You know how moray eels can't let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they're dead? Don't touch my fries.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I played dead in the living room to see how my 2yo would respond. He climbed on my "corpse" for 5 minutes then turned on the tv.#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]#Animals#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car, Throw you off a street so high, Hope you break your neck and die.#Driving#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[talking to life insurance agent] Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.#Money#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river#Colorado River#Dark Humor0🔗 ShareWhatsApp