Guarantees in life: 1) death 2) taxes 3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it

Just saved a bunch of money on my Glenn from The Walking Dead Halloween costume by not showering for a month.

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals so let's cheat and murder for insurance money like they do on Investigation Discovery Channel.

[talking to life insurance agent] Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.