Small kid : Mom what happens when you die? Mom : Your soul will go to heaven. Small kid : No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?

[wife leaving for the weekend] "Baby formula is in the cupbo--" "I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad's funeral."

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool

A little boy... Nfw'ish So a little boy ran past a cop screaming bloody murder so the cop grabs him by the arm and settles him down. Holding onto his shoulders he look in the boys tear stained eyes and asks ""son what happened?"" The boy snivels up a snot bubble and answers the cop ""Well officer you see my mom always told me to never look at women more beautiful then her or else i would be turned to stone like medusa"" The cop puzzled asks ""ok but why were you screaming?"" The replies ""well i…