At my funeral I want a dozen doves recaptured.

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It's what he would have wanted.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

If you didn't have a Lexus waiting under the tree for your lady, you're a piece of shit who doesn't know what love is.