Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It's what he would have wanted.

"Uh-oh!" - My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

The Walking Dead is Jesus's favorite show.

GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.