[hospital] "Did my dad make it, doctor?" Billy, your dad's in a better place now. [crying] "HE'S DEAD?" Haha no, he went to Disney World.

"I saw mommy kissing santa claus" has the same number of syllables as "I saw someone die at Disney World." Life's funny like that.

Disney couldn't handle my awesome script. Kylo Ren was Rey's father. Finn was her brother. Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

If you call & I don't answer, I'm not dead, I'm napping. - Things I have to say to my mom