California Jokes

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info she asked ""Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?""

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time and in the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started to rub the dirt off of it and out came a genie out of the lamp and he said ""I want to know the person you hate the most"" The explorer said ""That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"" ""I am a cursed genie I will grant you three wishes but whatever you wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."" ""OK I wish for a billion dollars"" ""Granted but your ex-wif…

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.

Braxton and Hollis had jobs at a California cotton mill. One morning the foreman came along and found Braxton reading a letter to his coworker. ""Hey"" cried the foreman ""what kind a horseplay you two guys up to?"" ""Hollis got a letter from his girlfriend"" explained Braxton ""but he can't read; so Ah'm readin' the letter for him."" ""How come you got the cotton in your ears?"" ""Hollis don't want me to hear what his girlfriend writ to him!""

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient ""How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?"" He got the following reply. ""Well it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My dad came to visit us fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon my wife had a son who was of course my daddy…

There was a salmon fisherman who was out in the ocean fishing when his boat sank. He was lucky enough to make to a deserted island where he had to survive on what he could find. When the Coastguard eventually found him the leader noticed there was a fire pit with California Condor feathers all around. He went over to the fisherman and said ""You know it's illegal to kill a California Condor I'm afraid I'm going to have to arrest you."" The fisherman protested for some time saying that he killed…

Q. Where can you dance in California? A. San Fran-disco

Here in California Catholics use non-fat, high fiber communion wafers. They call them "I can't believe it's not Jesus"

The wasp that lived in the jungle "So there once was this wasp that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary wasp though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the wasp enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a very …

Dough Boy Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded". Fresh rose quickly in show business…

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California... The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?" One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s." The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter. When the captain was finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer a…

The secret to women A man is walking down a beach in California, when he stumbles across a magic lamp A genie appears from the lamp and says, "Thank you sir for freeing me, in return i will grant you one wish." The man replies "I have always wanted to walk the beaches of Hawaii, but I do not ride planes and the trip by boat is to long. I wish for a highway from California to Hawaii." The genie looks at the man and replies, "A bridge that size takes to much magic, I am not powerful enough to …

The man that desired to understand women A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish." The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want." The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Th…

A Texas Salesman A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks him, "Do you have any sales experience?" "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" "One…

The Pillsbury Doughboy has died Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from being repeatedly poked in the belly. He was 81 years old. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site wa…

Bridge to Hawaii Greg is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Greg that he has earned right for one wish. Greg: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time. God: Ehhhh…. your wish is too materistic! I would have to get the concrete, carefully think about the design, along with pipes and suspensions for …

Two guys from California get pulled over in Texas..... Two guys from California get pulled over in Texas by a State Trooper. Driver pulls to the side and is looking for his license when the trooper walks up to the window and taps it with his baton. No sooner does the guy roll the window down when the trooper smacks him across the face with the baton. Driver yells "Ouch! What was that for?" Trooper replies "I noticed you boys was from California, and I'll tell you what when you get pulled over …

A man is walking on a beach... And he trips over something. He looks down, and it is an old bottle. He picks it up, and out pops a genie. "I will give you one wish, and only one. What will it be?" The man thinks, and thinks. He lives in California, but really loves to visit Hawaii, but he despises flying. So he asks the genie, "I want a bridge from California to Hawaii, over the Pacific ocean." The genie looks at him for a bit. He says "No, no, no. Sorry, but a bridge over the Pacific? That i…

The Bubba Joke--long Bubba is talking to his friend in a bar and boasts to his friend that he knows everyone in the world. His friend, of course, doesn’t believe him. “If you know everyone in the world, name everyone in this bar.” Bubba proceeds to name everyone—Joey, Rachel, Sam, Johnny, Bart, until everyone is named. His friend is impressed, but then says, “Well, you may know everyone here but you can't know everyone—how about Clint Eastwood? Bubba claims he does. So they go to Clint Eastwood…

There was a boy who grew up in San Francisco and he absolutely loved watching the street cars going up and down the streets. His goal, when he grew up was to eventually drive those things. Before he even graduated high school, he applied to the street car driving school. He got accepted and once he graduated high school he headed off to training. After months of classes and tests, he was off to his first day of work as an apprentice. After a month of supervised driving, he was off on his own. …

"Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks" reminded me of this one. A man and his wife were driving from New York to California. Along the way the wife would find every little thing wrong with her husband's driving. "You're driving too fast." "You missed that exit." "You're tailgating." This went on throughout the trip. As their car crossed the border into Colorado, a cop flashed his lights and the man pulled over. The cop walks up to the driver's side and the man rolls down his window. "Hey, Bud…

I hate Sharknado, it is SO unrealistic. Rain? In California? Did they even pretend to research for this movie?

Headaches. A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me." The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?" "I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was miserable. But then..." He laughs. "Then my life changed! I had to put it all behind me. I always wanted to live in California, so I sold everything I had, broke my lease, and moved here. I got an apar…

Why California is broke and Texas is not. The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural. He calls animal control. Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a v…

The hells angels are riding.... On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped. John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to kill my…