California Jokes

Just another Genie A biker going through is third divorce comes across a very unusual bottle. As he is cleaning it a genie appears. The genie says to the biker, I will grant you one wish. The biker looks at the genie and calls him out on the fact that genies are supposed to grant three wishes. This genie explains to the biker that he is only a junior genie and he will only be able to perform on wish. After careful thought the biker says, OK, I got it. I would like for you to build me a bridge fr…

I heard Hotel California for the 6th time on the radio during my cross country road trip. You can change the station any time you like, but the song never leaves

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday... Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who ""never knew he was…

A young worm asks his father about life. 'Dad,' says the young worm, 'what is it like to live in an apple?' 'Oh, son,' answers the dad, 'living in apple is wonderful: it's juicy, crispy, delicious.' 'Dad,' asks the son. 'What is it like living in an orange?' 'Oh, son, living in an orange is incredible, it's liquid sunshine, it's California.' 'But, Dad, why do we live in shit?' 'Son! There is such a thing as the motherland!'

A Gay Couple & Lesbian Couple Are Driving to California. Who Gets there First? The lesbian couple. They are going to be gone lickity split, while the gay couple is still at home packing their shit.

Yet another tragedy struck the music world today. Police responded from a call to a California hotel room occupied by Justin Beiber. When they arrived on the scene, he was still alive.

Wong ho A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling ""Gama Su!, Gama Su!"". Hearing this, the Californian knew he ha…

Adele and jb were talking Adele: hello Jb: hey Adele: can you hear me? Jb: what do you mean? Adele: when we were younger, and free. But then you came along! Jb: is it too late to say sorry now? Adele: I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be Jb: well then love yourself!

California Dreaming A detective is sent to investigate a robbery. He makes his way to the crime scene and starts asking questions. He asks his first potential witness if anything suspicious was going on the day of the robbery. The witness reported that an unknown tall and thin man with brown hair was in the area. The detective took down the information and moved on. A second witness recalled a brown haired man of medium height and weight snooping around. The detective felt this info corresponded…

Whites are now a minority in California you could say there is Juan too many Hispanics.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You just look at him. Will Smith is black and wearing a black winter overcoat, it's pretty easy to see him. You don't need to look for him or anything, he's just right there. He's plowing his driveway. Wait, Will smith lives in California. It doesn't snow in Los Angeles does it? I live in Houston so I don't really see snow often. I think it's snowed like four or five times in the 14 years I've lived here, and only once was there any significant snow. (like…

How do you know someone is from California? They tell you.

The Hell's Angels are riding once more On January 14th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a guy about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped. Jane, their leader, a voluptuous woman of 53, gets off her Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk him down off the railing, and says, ""Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"" He says tearfully, ""I'm going …

The Biker and God So God is watching this this biker as he rides in California, he was a real nasty guy in a biker gang, used to be a real bastard. Eventually he got married, had kids, left his life of crime behind him and became a really good guy. God then starts talking to him: > So, you used to be a real bad guy, now you have a family and do plenty of charity work. I'm really impressed, i'm going to grant you one wish, tell me what you want. The biker is thankful and responds. >Wow God,…

So California replaced people with robots once... To prevent deaths on the freeway, Caltrans replaced road workers and inmates with robots that looked and worked like real people picking up trash. After a test phase, calls came in complaining about the glare they produced and even had evidence suggesting the robots caused accidents, so one day, they decided to paint the robots a matte black color. The next day, half the robots called in sick.

The Friars Club recently held a charity fundraiser in California. Over the span of a few weeks, they set up flower stands on street corners and in public spaces and sold flowers by the dozen. After they had covered most of the dirt area, they were scouting around for a new location when they came across a bit of well-lit forest land. So they set up their table and sold their flowers. Turns out, the land belonged to Hugh Hefner, and it was actually part of the parcel of land the Playboy Mansion w…

California is getting so much rain right now... ...that even Caitlyn Jenner is getting wet.

California Earthquake Today there was a 4.8 magnitude earthquake reported in California. Taylor Swift was quoted as saying ""Shake it, shake it off"".

So I guy is standing on a cliff and is about to commit suicide God shows up and says ""What the hell are doing?"" The guy says ""I can't go on living anymore."" God refuses and says ""Please don't kill yourself. I will give you anything you want if you."" The guy takes a while and says ""I want a bridge from California to Hawaii"" God looks dumb founded and says ""What? That is ridiculous. You are not thinking straight right now. I'll give you another shot."" The guy thinks for awhile and says "…

Wheelchair jokes/puns [Request] for bonding My Marine brother broke both of his legs, so he has to use a wheelchair to get around. I have to help him move some stuff from Washington to California, and my payment is being able to relentlessly fry him with wheelchair jokes. I want to see how long it'll take before he can't ""stand"" then anymore. (I'm sorry in advanced, but the cheesier, the better)

A joke my 8 year old told me. I took my son hiking in Round Valley in California. The hills are pretty steep and along the trails you can see multiple ""cow pies"" as he calls them (cow poop). As we're hiking up a steep hill: Son: ""Geez dad, my legs are killing me. The cows out here must have such nice calves!""

what did they tell the eastern European tree who wanted a room at the hotel california you can czech in any time you want but you can never leaf

Why ya going to the airport? **Jim Carrey**: ""Why ya going to the airport? Flying Somewhere?"" **Passenger**: ""How'd you guess?"" **Jim Carrey**: ""Well, I saw your luggage, then when I saw the airplane ticket I put two and two together. So where you headed?"" **Passenger**: ""Aspen."" **Jim Carrey**: ""Mmm, California.. Beautiful.""   *Excerpt from Dumb and Dumber.*

An Israeli, an Indian and an American are lost in a desert ... They are all hungry, thirsty, tired and close to dying. Finally the Israeli (who is a jew) miraculously stumbles upon an Oasis and they are having a pork sausage sizzle. The Israeli is torn between surviving and being true to his religion and finally decides to eat the sausage. The Indian (who is a hindu) also stumbles upon the oasis just as he had almost given up all hopes of survival. To his dismay they were serving sizzling steaks…

My friend saw Stevie Wonder walking down the street when she went to California! I don't think he saw her though...