California Jokes

The Pope's Alaska Visit The Pope went on vacation to visit Alaska. He was cruising in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Bernie' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear. As the Pope watched in horror, a group of loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a 44 magnum slug into the bear's chest. The other men …

A Gay Couple & Lesbian Couple Are Driving to California. Who Gets there First? The lesbian couple. They are going to be gone lickity split, while the gay couple is still at home packing their shit.

A blond is driving down a California highway and sees a semi pulled over on the side of the road broken down. She asks the driver "do you need a ride." The semi driver says "no I'll fix the truck but I have 2 chimps that need to get to the San Diego zoo, I'll give you $100 if you take them there." "Sure" says the lady. He helps her get them strapped in and she was on her way. A few hours later the semi driver got into San Diego and sees this woman walking down the street with the chimps. He pul…

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California get all the lawyers? New Jersey got the first pick.

An old blues musician visits a beach in Florida. He comes across a man building the most beautiful musical instruments with the sand. Guitars, violins, cellos, all exquisitely detailed. The blues musician says to him "Make me a harp". So the guy builds him one with a tall, beautiful piller, an incredible soundboard and 47 strings, all impossibly made from sand. "No, no! You misunderstood. A *mouth* harp!" says the blues musician. "Oh, you'll need to go to California for that" "What do you m…

One July a gentoo penguin was driving cross-country from Atlanta, Georgia to Santa Monica, California. Of course he had the air conditioner on full blast, because he was a penguin (they like it super cold in the car.) He made it all the way to Winslow, Arizona when the blower in the car started to blow warm air. Penguins don't like much heat, and he started to get a bit worried. He fiddled with the knobs, but nothing worked. The air was getting warmer and warmer. The sun was out, and he start…

A young blonde girl from California in her late teens, who moved to Texas, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby up scale neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed a…

True encounter at Wendys About two decades ago, a lady in central CA claimed to have found a severed finger in her Wendy’s chili. Her scam was eventually revealed in court, iirc. What I did in Albuquerque the week following the news of the chili finger, was to ask the Wendy’s drive thru clerk for extra fingers in my chili, being the smart-ass that I am. Without any hesitation whatsoever, the order-taker came back with, “sorry sir, that’s only in our California stores”.

I find it’s best to be frank and earnest with women. In Texas I’m Frank and in California I’m Ernest.

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California get all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first.

Now that weed is legal in California I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

California hasn't fallen into the sea so apparently it worked.

A man from Wyoming and a man from California are driving across Wyoming in a pickup truck. [NSFW] It’s boring

A man was riding his Harley along a California highway... suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice

Never Argue With A Woman Who Reads An elderly married couple is traveling by car from California to New York for a National Book Conference. After Spending almost eleven hours on the road

Fishing and tampons... A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says

California legalized marijuana I guess they had a high voter turnout.

A hilly billy wants to become a journalist. So he moves to California and gets his journalism degree. For his final project he is supposed to go to his hometown and write a story on ""Happy Times."" He goes back to his hillbilly hometown and finds an old hillbilly sittin on his porch widdling wood. He explains his situation and the hillbilly agrees to the interview. The new journalist says ""tell me a story on happy times and the old man replies ""one time my neighbour lost his sheep in the woo…

Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle The North seismologist says: ""why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"

Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently. California said ""It's not our fault.""

A blond is driving down a California highway and sees a semi pulled over on the side of the road broken down. She asks the driver ""do you need a ride."" The semi driver says ""no I'll fix the truck but I have 2 chimps that need to get to the San Diego zoo I'll give you $100 if you take them there.""

A Gay Couple & Lesbian Couple Are Driving to California. Who Gets there First? The lesbian couple. They are going to be gone lickity split

I heard they found water on Mars... I bet California is pretty jealous.

Why California is broke and Texas is not. The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog

Texas Three Kick Rule. A lawyer from California was duck hunting between a lake