California Jokes

People in California be like Tree down walkway closed!

Best joke I ever heard, sorry long. A man was driving down the California highway at two am, it was pouring rain. Wipers going full blast. Suddenly he saw a girl walking on the side of the road, she could be 14 or 25, he couldn't tell but knee he had to help. So he pulls over and asks her if he needs help, she's crying and hdd up her cell phone. ""My dad just wrecked the car!! He can't walk says his legs are broken and and and "" she breaks off crying. ""I can't get any bars, cancyou help us?!?!…

It was a rainy day in California...

The song ""Hotel California"" could never be admitted into evidence in a court of law. It's entirely hearsay (he said/she said)

My roommate from California was homesick So I stole his water bottle to make him feel more at home.

Water parks in California are now just regular parks

That awkward moment when... When Mars has more water than California...

I just got a great deal on some real estate in California. It was a fire sale!

A Californian, an Oregonian and a Washingtonian all head out on a fishing trip... It's a beautiful day in the Cascades of Oregon and all three men are enjoying themselves - although a fervent discussion about which state is the superior state has sprung up, initiated by the Californian who won't shut up about, well, everything that California is better at. At noon, they stop by a stream to break for lunch. The Californian reaches into his knapsack and pulls forth a bottle of wine. ""Best wine in…

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store.. (currently circulating on facebook) A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California, walked into a jewelry store in a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.' At that statement, the jewe…

California Horror Story ""Tell me a story for bedtime. Please!"" John heard his son ask. He thought for a moment. ""Alright,"" he said ""how about an old horror story?"" He began to tell his son a story he had first heard when he was just a child in 2020. It was a tale of an evil sorcerer who wandered the lands luring people with his magical tricks and amassing followers. ""He doesn't seem so bad."" Interrupted his son. ""But wait,"" John continued ""I'm not finished. He was quite evil. You see,…

So many rainbows so little rain. Please send rain, sincerely California.

To his utter disbelief, a man is granted a wish from God. He asks, ""Please build a bridge from California to Hawaii. That way so many more people could go and experience the beauty of Hawaii."" God replies, ""That is asking a lot. That would be 3000 miles of bridge! Ask for something else."" ""Ok,"" he replies, ""in that case, please help me understand women."" Um, how many lanes did you want on that bridge?

Now I ain't sayin' she's a gold digger... But she did move to California in 1849

They say in California alone, the divorce rate is at 75%. Twenty minutes later, a woman walks by with a stroller and a barking dog in it.... Perhaps.

A Texan a bitch and a heifer A Texan comes to California to visit his friend's ranch. He overhears two workers talking, standing next to a cow and a dog. The first worker looks at the cow and absentmindedly says ""yup, she's one fat cow."" The next man is looking at the dog and says ""well, I've got one mean bitch"" The Texan looks at the animals and sees a skinny, emaciated cow and a tiny, docile looking dog. The Texan walks up to the men and arrogantly says, ""See, this is why Texas is better …

What do you call a guy who tells jokes that only he thinks is funny? /u/daddyboyfriend! Confirmation (this bit right here is [an x-post from /r/self](https://www.reddit.com/r/self/comments/34kksj/could_i_get_some_feedback_on_my_jokes/) - and these were deemed as *jokes* from the mods of /r/antijokes when I tried x-posting there) How should a California white woman stop her kids from jumping on the bed? Put velcro on the ceiling. What do you call a course in an L.A. public school district which t…

Now I ain't saying she's a gold digger But she did move to California in 1849...

Uma Thurman walks into a bar She politely asks for a drink and offers to pay for her tab with what's left of her career. Bartender obliges. Needless to say he didn't make any money and within weeks he had to sell his baseball card collection to come up with rent. About a month later he bumps into her and asks how she could be so inconsiderate. She apologizes and offers a deal that struck the bartender as enticing. Uma suggests that if the bartender go on a trip with her to California, and act as…

Can't think of a funny shower thought I live in California and I've been trying to think of a funny shower thought to post on reddit, but after a 30 minute shower all l can think about are serious issues like how I can conserve water during the drought.

Does California have *any* water? I seriously drought it.

So this blonde is at an airport... So this blonde is at an airport and she needs a flight to New York from California. She goes up to the desk and asks if there are any tickets left. The flight attendant tells her that she is very sorry but they are all sold out. The blonde begs for any way of her to get there. The flight attendant says they have a helicopter and asks if the blonde can fly it. The blonde says yes and goes to the helicopter. She hops in and starts it up, and it goes higher and hi…

I was born in California."" ""Which part?"" ""All of me.""

CALIFORNIA Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: Hella.

I know how we can solve the California water crisis Collect all the sweat drops from John Boyega