California Jokes

If a plane from California crashes in a cemetery in Montana where are the survivors buried?

So there's this guy named Jim, and he moves into a new neighborhood in California. Looking for a fresh start, Jim gets a well-paying job and moves to the suburbs. Weeks turn to months and months turn to years, and slowly but surely Jim builds a new life with a new routine. Every Monday at 5:30 he goes from work to the grocery store, and gets home from the grocery store at 7. Unfortunately, Jim has a neighbor named Lisa Nancy, and she's a bit of a nut. Everyday, as Jim unlocks his door at 7, Lisa…

I got a random wrong number call from a ""Blus Halilovec"" in California this afternoon. I pick up my phone--caller ID says it's someone from California called ""Blus Halilovec."" Before I can even say hello, this guy it slurring this long, drunken story about how he was kicked out of a bar while watching the NHL Winter Classic today, and could I come and give him a ride home? I try to say No, but the dude won't let me get in a word edgewise. He keeps calling me Lewis, too. Finally, he pauses af…

I am so drunk, i'm going to regreddit tomorrow! regReddit GET IT? wow, this is as dry as california.

What do you call a watermelon in California? A melon

Fishing and tampons... A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, ""Do you have any sales experience?"" The kid says, ""Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."" The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. ""You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did."" His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. ""How many sales did you make tod…

Redneck birth control A man and a woman from Alabama don't want any more children because they already have 11. So the husband goes to a doctor in Ohio. The doctor asks, ""What state are you from? The man says ""Alabama."" The doctor tells him to go home, put a lit cherry bomb in an empty soda can, hold it in his hand, and count to 10. The husband isn't so sure of this, so he goes to another doctor, this time in California. When that doctor finds out that the husband is from Alabama, he tells hi…

A cowboy, bored with his life, decides to head east... He embarks by train from California, hoping to seek a new job and new adventures. Somewhere in Arizona, the train slows down at a small station and passengers stream on and off. Looking through a window, the cowboy sees an old Native American man wearing what looks like the garb of a powerful Indian chief, sitting on the platform. He stares at the old Indian until a man next to him on the train leans over and whispers, ""That old wiseman has…

The votes are in, and California has legalized Marijuana. however, one ethnic group that voted disproportionately against the proposition were Cambodian-Americans. When asked why, most said that they'd had bad prior experiences with Pot.

A hilly billy wants to become a journalist. So he moves to California and gets his journalism degree. For his final project he is supposed to go to his hometown and write a story on ""Happy Times."" He goes back to his hillbilly hometown and finds an old hillbilly sittin on his porch widdling wood. He explains his situation and the hillbilly agrees to the interview. The new journalist says ""tell me a story on happy times and the old man replies ""one time my neighbour lost his sheep in the wood…

Japan's economy crashed in the 90s because their housing bubble was so bad, the Imperial Palace was worth all the land in California. I *wish* houses out here could still be that cheap!

""President Trump, California is revolting!"" ""Yeah, and they're also threatening to secede.""

The police got all the democrat protesters in California to leave last night They gave them participation awards

Earthquake just hit California... Too many liberals are literally shaking.

Two Friends on a Hunting Trip I work as a park ranger, and this rather lengthy story was passed on to my by a buddy of mine. Not so long ago two good friends from college decided to have a ten year reunion. One was a successful certified public accounted who lived in San Francisco. A rising star in his field, he invited his buddy to fly back to the States for a unique reunion trip. This friend was a fashion designer born, raised, and living in Prague, a Czechoslovakian. The two friends boarded t…

Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle The North seismologist says: ""why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"" The South seismologist says: ""It's not my Fault!""

""I was born in California............ ""I was born in California."" ""Which part?"" ""All of me.""

Just got my free yearly car wash Thanks California!

Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California? Because they, like, can't even deal.

A pair of lifelong friends play golf and go to Hooters Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to NY other to California. Every ten years they agree to meet in Chicago and play golf. They finish their round at age 30 and go to lunch. ""Where you wanna go?"" ""Hooters."" ""Why?"" ""Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts. The legs..."" ""OK."" Ten years later at 40, they play. ""Where you wanna go?"" ""Hooters."" ""Why?"" ""Well, you know, they …

Obituary Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 51. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima deliv…

Hundreds of crows are dying on California's roadways. Recently scientists have been noticing that there are hundreds of crow carcasses on the highways of California. Obviously confused, the scientists decided to research what could be causing the mass deaths of these birds. After a few weeks of research they found out that almost all of the birds were being killed by motorcyclists. Instead of helping, this information just confused the scientists more. So they decided to carry on their investiga…

You sure? A man in California find a genie lamp on the beach , and after rubbing it a genie pops out. "" You get one free wish."" The genie told him. ""I thought it was three wishes?"" The man asked. ""No, that has been a lie for thousands of years, it's just one, so make it count!"" After thinking it over the man says ""Ok, I've never been to Hawaii. But I don't like riding on boats and I don't like riding on planes. I'd like you build me a bridge from here to Hawaii."" The genie seemed hesitan…

John knows everyone John at work brags about him knowing everyone. His boss, Mike, is quite mad at him, and one day he says ""It's impossible that you know everyone on Earth"", but John replies ""That's not true, I'll prove it to you, just says a name"". Mike, quite confident, replies ""President Obama"". ""Ah, Barack, an old friend. Let's take a flight, we are going there to meet him"". Once they arrived at the 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, John enters the White House, greetings all the security gu…

I don't plan on moving to California anymore. Everything is known to cause cancer in there.