California Jokes

UFO conspirators believe theres been an invasion... ... They have reported an incredibly high amount of aliens at California DMV's.

I bought a guitar recently... I traveled to California recently, along with my dad and wife, to pickup an electric guitar I have been searching for a few months. On the way back, at a rest stop, I felt nervous about leaving an expensive guitar along with my dad and wife to fend for themselves. So I asked my dad to follow my exact instructions, in case of a robbery attempt. ""If the robber asks you to make a choice between giving him the guitar or the girl - by all means give him the guitar - for…

Two men are peeing off a bridge. One is from California and one is from Arkansas. The one from California says ""Man, this water is cold."" The one from Arkansas says ""Yeah, and it's deep too. (Sorry if I offended any Californians.)

THE BIG QUESTION There once lived a very kind man who was constantly helping those in need. God noticed this ask spoke to him, ""You are very generous and I shall grant you one wish."" The man, overwhelmed, thought about it for a bit. Finally the man said, ""I wish for a bridge connecting California to Hawaii so I can drive my motorcycle to the Islands."" God said, ""Think about it my son. That is a very materialistic wish and would require much material from Earth."" The man thought it over a b…

A lesbian couple and a gay couple had a race to see who could get across the country to California first The lesbians arrived first, lickity split. The gay dudes were still at home packing their shit.

What do you call a seafood-eating California motorcycle cop who only pulls over nuclear reactions or a radioactive decay? Fission Chips.

Mexico's dump. Once upon a time, a country in North America known as Mexico got independence from its motherland, Spain. To celebrate, it had a big feast, but took the biggest shit known. The United States took the shit from Mexico and set it up as a state. The shit is now known as California.

THE FORTYNUNNERS Three nuns went to a football game and three men got stuck sitting behind them. The men couldn't see very well because of the nun's little nun hats. So they came up with a plan to make them leave. ''I think I'll move to California, there's only 50 Catholics there,"" said the first man. ""I think I'll move to Washington, there's only 25 Catholics there.'' ""I think I'll move to Idaho, there's only 10 Catholics there.'' Then one of the nuns turned around. ""Go to Hell, there are N…

Salesman of the Year A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, ""Do you have any sales experience?"" The kid says, ""Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. ""Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. ""You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."" His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. ""How many sales did you mak…

Understand women There once was a man named John. He did a lot of praying and one day God saw this and came down to John. God said to him ""John you've been doing a lot of praying so I am granting you with one wish, ask for whatever you want."" John was very happy and said ""God I always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am scared of flying, can you build me a road from California to Hawaii so I can drive there?"" God then said ""John many people will die making this bridge because it is in middle of…

What does Gwen Stefani say when it rains a lot in California? **No Drought.**

Topical Jokes for 10/26 (for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host) In Dallas, a man was arrested after he attacked a man in a pink shirt, while shouting homophobic slurs. Because what could be less gay than freaking out over another man's outfit? In California, a man robbed a convenience store, only to return later to apologize and give back the money. The cashier accepted the man's apology, then shot him eleven times. Scientists in Switzerland used a spectrometer to …

Asking the Big One Guy walking down a beach in California. Sees a bottle, picks it up. Rubs it. Out comes a genie. ""I'll give you one wish,"" says the genie. ""I'd love to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of boats, afraid of planes. I want to drive there, so build me a bridge to Hawaii."" ""Geeez!"" said the genie. ""I know I said 'anything,' but the amount of concrete and materials for such a bridge, the engineering, well, I'm afraid you've wished for something that's virtually impossible to do, e…

A guy finds a lamp walking through the desert... When he rubs the lamp a genie comes out and tells the man he has one wish and whatever he wants it will be done! The guy says to the genie that he is afraid of height and wants a bridge built from California to Hawaii. The genie replies that it would take all of his powers to build that bridge, and is willing to make any other wish come true instead. The man says, I wish to know how to understand women! The genie says, so do you want 2 or 4 lanes …

A cop pulls over a guy who just ran a stop sign. Cop: You ran that stop sign back there. Driver: Oh, come on now officer, it's called a California stop! I slowed down and no one was coming so I just rolled through. Cop: Step out of the car please, sir. Driver: What? Why? This is outrageous! I slowed down, and no one was even coming! Cop: Please, sir, I'm going to need you to step out of the vehicle. Driver: (disgruntled) FINE THEN! HAVE IT YOUR WAY! (steps out) Cop: (Mercilessly begins to beat t…

There was once a bee that lived in a jungle. So there once was this bee that lived in a jungle. This was not your ordinary bee though-he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit bee community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself, just like the humans do. So the bee enrolls in school, and passes with flying colors. Remember, this is a …

A California business man, while in Japan... for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling ""Gama Su!, Gama Su!"". Hearing this, the Californian knew he had ple…

So there's a man riding his Harley. All of the sudden this man hears the booming voice of God. God says ""My child, you have been so good and true to me I would like to grant you just one wish."" The man thought for a moment and then he said ""God, I wish for a bridge that stretches from California to Hawaii so I can ride my Harley to Hawaii any time I would like."" God responded ""My son, I must admit that wish is quite materialistic, and the amount of energy and resources is exponential. Think…

A car collector from New York finally gets the Datsun he's been looking for, Unfortunately it was missing a few key parts to get it up and running. He takes it to his mechanic. The mechanic says ""you need some specific gear parts here - these cogs over here, you'll need two of them. You can only get them from this specialty parts dealer, and he's in California. The man decides to make a trip of it and goes out west. He finds the dealer and decides to buy a whole case of the parts and give the e…

Topical Jokes for 6/11 In California, a ten-year-old boy has graduated from high school. And in Florida, a ten-year-old girl has dropped out of school because she's pregnant. ...the boy has already sent out a college application, which was written in magic marker, on the back of a Fruit Roll Up. Casey Kasem's family has decided to take him off of life support. They made the decision after Kasem's brain activity shot to the bottom of the charts. Starbucks has announced their new tables will wirel…

Probably one you've heard but: A man finds a genie in a bottle and gets a wish. ""What is your wish?"" Asks the genie. The man thinks for a moment and says ""well my girlfriend lives in hawaii and i live here in california, and i hate flying. Itd be nice to have a bridge. Can you build me a bridge to hawaii?"" ""Thats a pretty big wish"" says the genie. ""Can you think of something else?"" ""Alright"" replies the man. ""Can you explain women to me?"" The genies pauses a moment and asks ""do you …

Obama's California Wildfire meeting A mathematician, a physicist, and Barack Obama are discussing the best ways to prevent forest fires in California when a fire breaks out in their room. They're locked inside and must find a solution. The mathematician quickly calculates the amount of water needed to extinguish the fire in the most efficient manner. The physicist quickly notices a fire extinguisher in the room. Barack Obama insisted to cut out the oxygen in the room because he learned that in H…

The difference between Indiana and California In Indiana there are lots of budding young farmers. In California there are lots of young bud farmers.

California Roll A man driving approaches a stop sign and slows down to a cool 5 mph, rolls smoothly across the crosswalk, looks both ways, and glides forward when he sees the coast is clear. Unbeknownst to him, a cop sees this and pulls him over on the next block. The cop pulls the guy out of the car and starts beating him. The guy starts yelling ""Stop! STOP!! What are you doing?! Stop!!!"" ""Oh I'm sorry, did you want me to stop or slow down?""

Three men are sitting in a delivery room... Three men are sitting in a waiting room outside a delivery room in a hospital. A nurse comes out of the delivery room and addresses the first man: ""Sir, your wife just gave birth to a beautiful and healthy set of quadruplets."" The man replies: ""That's so amazing because I live in Four Corners, Montana, what are the odds?"" Another nurse comes out of the delivery room and addresses the second man: ""Sir, your wife just gave birth to a beautiful and h…