Work Jokes

[principal's office] "Your child's previous school indicates you're a bit of a helicopter parent." Velociraptor: That's got to be a typo.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

[two coworkers walk into my office] Coworkers: Hey! It's your two favorite people here to ask you a question! Me: Where?

There's absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

REPUBLICAN (running for office): We need to make haircuts safer! REPUBLICAN (in office): Haircuts will only be done using chainsaws.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

*runs into coworker at store* *pretends I don't speak English*

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised? Me: can I go to the bathroom? Boss: Dan you're 23. This is a business meeting Me: so that's a yes?

Boss: Have I made myself clear? Me: No, I can still see you. Boss: Shakes head.

*entire building at my work loses power* *I run all the way to Linda's office* Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.

There's no 'i' in 'team' but there's 7 of them in... "Everyone in this office is an idiot & I work better by myself."

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, "You showed up latte for work today!" then when the laughing stops, "but no, you're fired."

INTERVIEWER: do u have any weaknesses VIDEO GAME BOSS: [strugling to cover glowing weak spots all over body] UM

I really wish my coworker would stop asking me so many god damn work related questions while I'm staring at my phone

I really hope it's a typo on your resume where it says you're "goat oriented".

MAN TO LIZARD: "SO I HEAR YOU'RE IN FLOORING SALES" LIZARD: "IM MORE IN PROMOTION" MAN: "WHAT DO YOU DO" LIZARD: "I REP TILE"

A cop pulled me over and said ''Papers...'' So I said, ''Scissors, I win!'' and drove off like a boss!

Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn? Her: anything is fine Me: ........ok Sarah, let's get started.

[Doctor's Office] Doctor: The bad news is you have 3 months to live. Me: What's the good news? Doctor: You should make it til Shark Week

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

*job interview* so tell me a fun fact about yourself Guy: well when I was 5 I fell into the Cincinnati Zoo gorilla exh- get the hell out

There's a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

i'm wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

[First day at New Job] New Boss: When in Rome do as the Romans you know? <Slaughters entire office and imposes grain taxes on peasantry>