Work Jokes

Me: Can u send me those documents? Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by-- Me: Nope, don't try teaching me to fish. Not interested.

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

[meeting a girl at the bar] ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I'm brandon GIRL: please let go of my hands

Boss: ok just bear with me *I growl and start clawing the air* B: wtf are you doing Me: I..You said.. B:first snail mail' now this..Just go

Trump won because The Office went off the air in 2013, depriving liberals of their connection to Scranton.

It's weird how many people at my office are named "Hey."

By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I've likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.

Boss "Are you high?" Me "If I was high could I do this?" *Inserts a USB into it's port the right way up 1st time"

I was up all night wondering, if you get fired at the Unemployment Office, do you just switch to the other side of the desk?

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

[at a bar] "I'm meeting my friend Dan" big Dan or Dan who's never has money? [door swings open] HEY WHO WANTS TO BUY THEIR BUDDY DAN A DRINK

"anything new with you?" not really "any cool projects at work? nope "meeting with friends?" no "seeing anybody?" why are you doing this?

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave's body

I need to chat with my coworker's husband.. If he was bangin' her properly, we wouldn't have to deal with her bad attitude..

[Interview with a time traveller] "What's life like in the year 3000?" It's pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it's making it that much harder to poison him.

My boss: Why are you sleeping at your desk?! Me: Because my bed is at home.

BOSS: We need to improve morale ME: Okay BOSS: How about an office party? ME: [crosses out "replace coworkers with puppies"] I guess

I'm at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

Remember how you used to love getting all new school supplies and now you just steal them from the office?

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise* *holds up sign from desk* YOU'RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

Flew out of top hat. Flew out of limousine. Flew out of church. -Dove Resume

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let's ruin both at once.

Boss: You're not fired but we're taking away all your responsibilities. Me: Cool, a promotion! Boss: No-- Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.