Work Jokes

BOSS: I need to see you in my office ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired? Me: I got fired?

*job interview* "So this yearbook isn't your resume?" "No. I'm not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE's."

[FBI job interview] "Do you have any self defense training?" *flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I'm skilled at fencing.

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

WINDEX CEO: listen, I can't have you making puns anymore. EMPLOYEE: okay, I just want to make things clear-- CEO: you're fired.

A laugh track, but for every time my boss says "I need this done today."

"Pick a card....any card." -impatient Hallmark employee

In all the alternate universes, in how many is Kim Kardashian super famous and in how many did she just get fired from a Wells Fargo?

Disneyland fires employee for wearing Muslim hajib. Surely, they could've moved her to the Aladdin ride.

I'm such a slave to the man working on a Saturday night. A drunk slave but whatever. Atleast my e-mails to my boss are hilarious now.

Boss: "Do you know why I've called you into my office?" Into My Office: "Because that's my name?" Boss: "Yes, that's right."

AA MEETING Chairman: Please, introduce yourself Eminem: Hi! My name is.. C: What? E: My name is.. C: Who? E: Hi! My name is.. C: Huh?

I'm really good at making jazzy versions of rap songs in my bathroom but I don't know how to put that on my resume so I'll just demonstrate?

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says 'We don't think you're smart enough for an office,but we don't want you to look at anybody.'

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I'd be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We're not crime-fighting crusaders. We're buying stamps.

*wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke* McDonald's Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?

Boss "Are you high?" If I was high could I do this? *opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."

ME: I lied in my interview. BOSS: what was the lie? ME: all lies. except about my aunt. BOSS: she wants to party with me? ME: big time.

BOSS: There's limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah

[interview] HIM: have u ever bribed anyone? ME: *pulls a package of OREO's from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who's asking

Ian: It's done. Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice? I: What? MB: Like a restaurant. I: I killed him. MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!

Never underestimate a well placed "that's what she said". Unless your boss is standing behind you. Thanks for the heads up Michelle.