Work Jokes

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills? ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying 'Decent'*

The greatest trick the devil ever played is emailing you & then sending an "out of office" notification when you reply like 30 seconds later

My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.

The boss said I need to be more of a team player, so I rounded up all my coworkers & we kicked his ass.

[interview] So what's a personal strength? "Honesty." And a failing? "I murder people who don't hire me."

I still don't understand why my boss didn't like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

I wonder if they sell tumbleweeds on eBay, as it would be cool to have a few following me around the office wherever I go

[Doctor office] -How are you feeling? -Not good. -Any side effects from the medication? *cries tears of fire* -Now that you mention it...

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

Coworker: got a second? Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?

[Therapist's office] Husband: She takes everything, literally T: What do you mean? *Me walking out the door w/ the floor lamp I'm stealing*

*job interview* Boss: Give an example of when you've done something creative Me: When I listed my 'experience' on the application form

Sometimes it's hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don't have a job.

going to office: late . going to a doctors appointment: late . going to a friends house: late . going to a concert: 8 hours early

Boss: I'm following you on Twitter. Me: Sweet! 'Nother follower! [Days later] Me: Oh wait. Shit.

The writers for The Office have drifted out of touch with modern office life. Nobody is employed anymore.

*notices it's not even 8am*nn*been tweeting like a boss...*nn*...to 5 insomniacs*

[interview] "How would you describe your people skills?" ME: I tend to drive others away. "That's great! Welcome to Uber."

[Science Meeting, 1924] Why don't we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It's not like they'll ever really check "Let's do it"

Today, coworker deemed herself "unscareable". Now I have no choice but to hide in the backseat of her car with an axe & correct her grammar.

[interview for an accounting job] Your resume says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job? "You do the math"

[job interview] "any questions?" yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart? "ma'am this is a bank" I know but you seem like a man with some answers

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son's Little League games ever since he learned he's in his second year of college.

[boardroom] "Now hear me out. They're Teenage.." Ok "Mutant.." I like where this is going "Ninja.." Noun me, Graham! "Turtles" You're fired

Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today: Me: What do you call a terrorist who's missing an eye? Him: I give up Me: A terrorst