Work Jokes

Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems--what are you doing?! Me (giving him the finger): Wait--you can see me?

She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.

Boss: This is the third time you've been late for work this week. Do you know what that means? Me: That it's only Wednesday

ME: [in g-string and hardhat] You sure this is what Boss meant by strip-mining? [A bat swoops down and tucks a crumpled bill into my thong]

WIFE: Don't embarrass me in front of my boss, he's colorblind ME: Duh [later at party] ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

[kelloggs meeting] "okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?" a chicken "jim is there something wrong at home?"

No. Skinny girls shouldn't be in charge of the office thermostat. You need a middle-aged woman with hot flashes named Brenda on the dial.

I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I'll already be done my work and I can leave early

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

Boss: How come I don't see you doing any work? Me: Because you have no imagination!

[interview for CIA] Your resume says you're a master in hand-to-hand wombat. Is that a typo or- *I've already thrown a wombat at his face*

[Me at job interview] And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?

[Interview] HR - What are your strengths and weaknesses ? Me - WiFi Password and WiFi Signal.

*interview* So, why do you want to be a judge? *Imagines myself going work everyday in my robe* "To fight crime"

At the water cooler, just "accidentally" splashed my pants to hide some pee. This Christmas, I'll give the office a chocolate fountain.

"Sit down. I've got some bad news." (Every Milkman's boss 30 years ago)

ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO! COWORKER: Amanda. ME: Why would you assume it's a man?

Coworker: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: Guess what day it is? Me: Don't. CW: It's hum.. [30 min later] Cop: So you stapled his lips?

[interview] BOSS: How many words can you type a minute? ME: Probably all of them BOSS: What do you mean? ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Not to brag but I'm never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation...

My boss called in sick of me

Me: The new guy's a lumberjack? Boss: Yep Me: He seems nice... Boss: STOP Me: I'll bet he's good at... Boss: DONT Me: random axe of kindness

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt? ME: no thank you i don't want any proof that i've eaten here

Mom: Sorry, I won't be able to come in today. My son's got stuck in the washing machine. Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he? Mom: 27

How to end an interview: 1. Thank them for their time. 2. Shake their hand firmly. 3. Firmer. 4. Firmer yet. 5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN