Work Jokes

We're throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the "party" isn't the surprise.

We all have that one singing coworker that makes you want to test your throat grip.

People say I'm not very responsible, when in fact I'm responsible for "pajama casual" being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.

[interviewer looks up from resume] in the skills, you wrote "completing sentences? Yes." wow. you "'re hired?" amaz- "on prime?" get out.

A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn't want to hurt people from Florida?

"I'm going to the post office. I need a place stamp" Wtf is that? "I dunno but this envelope says I need one here"

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job.

ME: Sorry boss, I can't make it in today. Because of Ebola. BOSS: You have Ebola? ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

[job interview] "What's your greatest weakness?" I'm always hungry "That's not what I-" *takes out a cake* Also, I don't like to share

[Job Interview] "It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?" *Eats rice with chop sticks* "Holy shit! When can you start?!"

If you use yahoo search engine, A really lonely nerd in his yahoo office frantically googles your request and then posts the results

parents just reaming ms frizzle out at a pta meeting. "you took our kids to god damn outer space. we didnt even have to sign a form"

INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously? ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did... did it work?

[At auto store] Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires? "Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength."

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

When your boss says "you're getting a little behind," he won't appreciate it when you wink and say "been working out-thanks for noticing."

interviewer: what is ur weakness? me: follow up questions interview: care to elaborate? me: [quivers with fear]

*job interview* "Youre 30? Why haven't you accomplished your life goals?" "Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that."

"A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat." I don't doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.

Snail Boss: under skills you've put 'quick reflexes' Snail: [2 hours later] that's right SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

[job interview] "Tell me a strength." I'm a decision maker. "Excellent. How about a weakness?" I'm a bad decision maker.

[2005, youtube's first pitch meeting] ok so basicaly its like if america's funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer-- SOLD

[interview] "Describe yourself in 5 words." me: Salacious. Professionally sensual. HR compliant.

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years? Me: Oh, it doesn't matter. You will have fired me well before then.

[Job interview] -Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair? Sorry. I didn't think we started yet.