Work Jokes

Coworker: What a crazy weekend! Me: *takes a knee* CW: What are you doing? M: Protesting this conversation.

"I'm not really supposed to do this," says the Verizon employee, showing you the setting on your phone that unbinds love from sorrow.

[walks up to coworker's desk] I know I don't say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.

At a job interview "What are your strengths?" "I'm an optimist and a positive thinker" "Can you give me an example?" "Yes, when do I start?"

[job interview] "I'll never hire you" ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I'm swordf- NO IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

*Meninist meeting* WOMEN ARE EVIL- *phone rings* Uhh just a second... *picks up phone* Mom not while I'm doing my club! Yes, pizza tonight.

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he's swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

[job interview] What experience do you have plucking chickens? Me: See all those hairs on my chin? No. Me: Exactly.

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

A good way to stand out from the competition at a job interview is to bring your resume on a floppy disk.

*picks up the bagel again* sorry i gotta take this one *leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*

[Apple meeting] We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan. "How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday's technology at tomorrow's prices." Too honest, Carl.

Coworker sneezed, and said "Oh my. I don't know where that came from." I'm no Scientist, but I'm pretty sure it came from her nose.

Boss: go to hell Me: so stay? or leave? I'm confused

"Sorry, boss. I can't come in today." "Why not?" [fakes a sore throat] "I'm in jail for vehicular manslaughter."

Trev's antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, "I'm sorry you feel threatened by my triceps."

Boss: I'll tell you what I want Me: So tell me what you want, what you really really want *office breaks into Spice Girls dance routine

Me: Got a hot date this weekend? Coworker: Ummm...no. Me: I know. I was just reminding you. Coworker....

A coworker just asked if I had any "mouth water" and I am thoroughly confused by this

"i said make him fetch" yeah? "what have you done" he looks pretty fetching to me *dog in shirt & tie* does he have a job interview or somet

Free advice: Saying "meaty shaft" in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

In hell, your coworker never finishes opening a wrapper.

[Job interview] "Under "skills" you have odd compliments." "You look like you'd have soft bones. "Thank you?"

A coworker told me she was "catching up on her correspondence" so apparently it's 1932 here at my workplace.

"I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service." "Dude this isn't email I'm standing in front of you."