Work Jokes

I use a wheelchair. Whenever I'm at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, "Stairs".

If someone steals my lunch from the fridge at work, I get on the office PA system and do the Liam Neeson speech from Taken.

inexplicably call ur boss "shortpants" until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes

Apparently asking the boss " who ignited the fuse on your tampon?" will get you sent to HR.

Me: So what do you do? Date: I work with animals Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun

[I am wearing a wedding gown at work] BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office? ME: [lifting veil] I do

[interview] "What's your greatest weakness?" Superman: Seriously?

*shots fired in the club over the last slice of pizza*

[closes kitchen drawer gently and looks at son] I wasn't here *wife walks in with police officer* "did you take a knife to a job interview"

My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I'm sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.

If you think meeting your girlfriends parents is hard just remember? Someone is going to try to date Eminems daughter

Coworker: What was your college major? Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile me: wha mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

DOG: I think that job interview went well! *looks in mirror and sees ear was inside-out the whole time* Son of a

Sometimes in the 'special talents' section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?

My coworker loses her keycard so much she just legally changed her name to Guest Badge.

When your boss asks you "do I look stupid to you?" it's a rhetorical question I know this now

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded "I don't post pictures of my food online" and I think she believed me.

That ends your training. You're now a GameStop employee. Any questions? "What do I do if a girl comes in" Err *boss scrambles thru manual*

People who unfollow me always seem startled when I show up at their home to conduct an exit interview

Coworker: you play any sports Me: yeah but I've had to take a break from it CW: oh..Injury? Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

Coworker: I lost my phone. Me: WHAT? CW: I don't know where it is. M:*perplexed look* You're not glued to it like a NORMAL person? Freak!

You had me until the final shot, local commercial. An employee in the back row didn't wave hard enough. No sale.

[job interview] Says here you're good with nicknames? "I don't wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man" *under his breath* holy shit he's good