Work Jokes

My boss said "dress for the job you want, not for the job you have" Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

[job interview] "Why do you want to leave your current job?" My boss is a total idiot "It says here you're self-employed?" Yes that's right

Ok how about a nail polish line for office ladies with colors like Legal pad, Non-dairy creamer, Mug stain, Excel, Boss neck...

[at interview] "ok 1st question you're on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him" umm "..." subwoofer? "welcome to the navy seals"

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

[terrorist meeting] "Let's hit Americans where they gather to shop" But how will we find these Targets? "Guys you're not gonna believe this"

If your boss asks "Working hard or hardly working?," come back with a witty quip like "Tomorrow I'm bringing a gun to the office."

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don't do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

The Michelin Man is the most racist mascot in corporate history, because TIRES ARE BLACK.

Can't wait to sit in the doctor's office reception area so I can read how to fix meatloaf 3 ways & catch up on 1992.

All I did was compliment a coworker on their fantastic mustache, and now I'm in HR's office. Thanks a lot, Megan!

Boss: You're late! You shoulda been here two hours ago! Me: Why? What happened two hours ago?

Me to my Boss: Excuse me, sir, can I ask a stupid question. Boss: Better than anyone else I know...

(meeting for naming cereal) "List the ingredients; maybe we'll get inspired." "Honey, bunches of oats" "I think we're done here."

2: Where mommy? Me: Mommy's at a meeting. 2: Mommy is meat? Me: No. Well...yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island. 2: Ok.

Sir, your resume is just a picture of you photoshopped into a quidditch match. No need for an interview, welcome to the White House

*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.

I'll pay you to dress like a Comcast employee and let me hit you with my car.

[job interview] "So why do you want to be a jeweler?" ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

[answers phone during job interview] What's the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can't find me.

[@ Sunbeam Bread factory job interview] Boss: Your resume says you are "definitely not 3 ducks in a suit." 3 Ducks In A Suit: That's correct

"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let's fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.

If you're driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office

*smashes car through your living room* Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?

Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye? [cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play] "I ran into a door"