*Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."

As a father of girls, I think the best interview method for potential suitors will be: "Let me see your phone"

The human body can survive 28 days without food, but only 11 minutes without Internet.

OH: If you ever want to call a family meeting, just turn off the WiFi router and wait in the room where it's located.