"David you're late again!" "Sorry boss.." [cut to: me running on all fours through a forest chasing deer] "...traffic"

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

Boss: you're late Me: traffic Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you

I'll pay you to dress like a Comcast employee and let me hit you with my car.