Work Jokes

[lumberjack interview] BOSS: I'm gonna "axe" you a few questions. Haha do you get it? ME: Yeah I "saw" that coming BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!

My boss asked me for a brief word. I said "underpants?" and we laughed and laughed and I'm clearing out my desk.

My boss told me to dress for the job I want; not the job I have. I'm now in a disciplinary meeting for wearing my Batman costume to work.

Saw a coworker washing a banana in the sink and wondering what she did with it.

It's so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man's name. No I don't want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

Coworker: Man, it's brutally cold outside! Me: Yes, very weather, much winter.

[Job interview] Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn't notice the mustard on my shirt Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

I just threw away all the toilet paper in the office so this day is about to get interesting.

*Meeting GF parents* What are your intentions with our daughter? Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

Guy getting on elevator in my office building.." Going Down?" Me: "No, but I've got time for a hug"

[job interview] "So what are your goals for working here?" To be home by 5

According to the most current magazine in this doctor's office, every home in America will have a television by 1962.

[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting] "we need to tell users when their inbox is full" how do we do that? "we send them another email" nice

[first day as coast guard] Boss: 7 people died on your watch today Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine

[job interview] "What's your.." *interrupts* -My greatest strength is my work ethic "Well played. Welcome to the psychic friends network"

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to "work her core." I'm eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast. I win.

Boss: It's been a tough year Jim J: Am I laid off? B: No J: Fired? B: No J: What then? B: You're to be executed at noon. J: This is bullshit

When your boss says "You need help", he never means a hitman.

[meeting aboard the ISS space station] Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please Me trying to open a window cos it's stuffy: in a minute

[job interview] Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word Me: yes i've heard that word many times

"Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?" (Dalai Lama job interview)

[staff meeting] PRINCIPAL: ok guys, we built a room to hold our P.E. class. what should we name it? [Jim slowly raises his hand]

You've seen nothing until you've seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:

Coworker: If you had to do it all over again, would you? Me: Yeah. Cw: You would? Why? Me: Because I know what the words "had to" means.

Coworker: You're so condescending and arrogant. Me: They mean the same thing so you didn't need to say both.