Work Jokes

The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, "Living the dream" was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.

[job interview] "Name one of your strengths" I didn't stab anyone today "That's not-" Yesterday wasn't so good tho

*maintains eye contact with coworker while licking a yogurt lid for seventeen minutes*

"Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way..." - "We should call it AAAA!" "You're fired."

Judging people on Twitter is equivalent to an alcoholic showing up to an AA meeting and making fun of all the other drunks.

If you've been unemployed for a while, update your resume to say youve been a Blockbuster manager for the last decade. HOW WOULD THEY KNOW!?

Your resume just says "falconer" "And?" Well, this is a bank *falcon starts break-dancing* "Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job"

*answers phone call from boss* I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

*mob meeting* ayo new guywho're you? "they call me the butcher" oh yea? why's that, butch? *smacks him with a pork loin* "no reason"

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to "move it move it." ME: That's correct. I: It goes on like for... 30 pages. M: And?

Professional wrestler name: Office Max. Signature move: Three Hole Punch.

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He's mad now.

If your ringtone is a Black Eyed Peas song you have 4 seconds to answer before the entire office throws their stapler at you.

Damn, it feels good to be a gangster. Or going to a 7am meeting where my client will ream my ass and I'll just suck up to him. Whatever.

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

Me: *delivers fantastic presentation* Fish Boss: great work! Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think! Fish Boss: you're fired.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

Nothing's deader than the eyes of a Burger King employee who can no longer bring themselves to correct people who order "McNuggets" anymore.

[at dentist office] Well you gave me this paper bib and said to put it on how was I to know I wasn't supposed to undress first

I've worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn't noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.

If Trump dies in office he won't even admit it. He'll keep tweeting from the grave: "VERY dishonest coroner's report says I died. Sad!"

My ex was a true professional.she said "you are fired" when we broke up.

Coworker *parks Prius Coworker 2 *locks bike up Me *bounces by on jumping exercise ball made of recycled tires* POSERS!

My boss thinks being gay is a disease so I called in queer this morning. But I reassured him that I should be straight again by tomorrow.

When a coworker says "This is all Greek to me", I always assume they want me to punch them right in their throatopolis.