Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way! Me: That's weird I swear that I didn't hear her broomstick!#Work#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[job interview] How did you lose your last job? "I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future." Sir, this is McDonald's.#Mcdonalds#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer. Or so I've been told. Twice now.#Marriage#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Coworker just asked me if I'm "working hard or hardly working" & now I'm standing over him asking if he's "bleeding bad or badly bleeding?"#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
There really isn't a good way to tell your boss you hate him and want him eaten by hyenas.#Work#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.#Fridge#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
"Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek" Yeah "Can you demonstrate?" Sure, count to 10 *Counts to 10 & opens eyes* *I'm literally on fire*#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
*answers a bagel like a phone* i'm just in a meeting right now i'll call you back#Work#Technology#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing "the robot" in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.#Work#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[shipwreck diary] Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
It just seems crazy that the final apocalypse could be started by a guy who says "You're fired" every time he launches a nuke.#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?#Work#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Boss: Can you look this up? Me: (munching on donut) Internet's closed. Boss: Oh. Me: Yeah, I think they're vacuuming it or something.#Work#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Coworker: GOOD MORNING! Me: Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee Coworker: But you don't drink coffee Me: Exactly#Work#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.#Wayne Enterprise#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.#Work#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If I was a farmer the first thing I'd do is have a meeting with the roosters & cows & tell them to wake up around 9:30 instead of 5.#Roosters And Cows#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
I just want to have a long enough career in show business so I can become eccentric and bring a goat to a meeting or some shit#Animals#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo#Work#One-Liner0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
BOSS: Okay, let's do this. What names are you pitching? COWORKER: Hannah Montana ME: Assapoopshits Massachusetts BOSS: Michael you're fired#Hannah Montana#Michael#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
If my boss catches me surfing the internet, I make sure I have a screen open to a big box of tampons from Amazon and he leaves me alone#Work#Technology0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[interview] BOSS: Any special skills? ME: Skills? BOSS: Like strengths ME: Oh right. I'd say my vocabulary BOSS: Hm... ME: That means words#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
[Gone for an hour] Boss: Where have you been? Me: There was a new roll of toilet paper in the bathroom and I couldn't find the beginning.#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp
Of course I swallow it's a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras#Work0🔗 ShareWhatsApp