Work Jokes

Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like? Me (thinking she said 'side'): fries. BK: What? Me: *more forcefully* fries.

Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife's office Christmas party.

A smoker at work can "step out for a smoke" every 20 minutes but if I say "I'm going to go outside and just stand there" I'm a bad employee.

*KFC* Me: how tender is the chicken? Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I've only had an apple for lunch but I can't throw my chair at him

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

[Obamacare Meeting] *Biden raises hand* *Obama sighs* Yes Joe? Will the doctor still have lollipops? Sure. *Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

I was late to a meeting traveling to West Virginia. I forgot to reset my watch to the mid 1800s.

[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my resume to get] ME: *does Madonna's Vogue choreography for 45 min*

[meeting with boss] "I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday." "I DON'T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!"

[clown interview] Why become a professional clown? me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

I wish it was my job to sit around laughing at tweets all day. Actually, he is unaware, but that's what my boss is paying me to do anyway.

Fun Fact - The faster you walk around the office the more important you are

[office] Me: Happy Black Friday! Latisha: ... Me: I made a cake! Latisha: ... Me: ... Latisha: ... Me: ... Latisha: ... Me: It's chocolate.

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone's sandwiches for them in the break room.

no no no today isnt CASUAL friday, its CAUSAL friday. evrythimg u do today has a effect. for example: johnson why r u wearing jeans ur fired

The Shawshank Redemption but it's just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don't have to talk to my boss.

Not only do I refuse to take the stairs up to my office, when I'm in the elevator I wish there was a chair in it.

My boss: "Sean, what do you know about Twitter?" Me: "nothing. Why? What have you heard?"

[job interview] Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja? Ninja: I just cut your head off. Boss: That's pr--*thump*

Just told a coworker "I ain't scerd, lil' bitch." and threw my stapler. I blame the hardcore rap.

No I don't hate my boss. It's just that I wish his toilet paper was sand paper.

*gets several new followers on Sunday *adds Jesus to resume

[Maroon 4 meeting] Adam Levine: "Our band name sucks" Drummer that no one knows the name of: "let's think bigger" Adam: "I've got it"