Work Jokes

You're never gonna believe this, but I feel negatively about the day of the week when I have to stop relaxing and resume working.

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend: Ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Ha ha ha ha no

Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I'm not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don't like you.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like- ME: I'D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS SE: -on your sub? ME: PUPPERONI

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

[Interview] "Describe yourself in one word." Me: Lethargic.

[Police sketch artist job interview] "How am I not qualified?" Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo "It's a cat actually"

Job interview: "what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date" "I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning"

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger? Me: No. CW: How about the 1 on your desk? Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?! CW: OMG! *runs away*

Coworker: I like working with you. I feel like I can really talk to you Me: I'm sorry I gave you that impression. That's not correct

[Calls boss] I won't be in today "Why not?" [camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car] I've got the shits.

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He's gonna help out around the office. *Monkey flinging office equipment out the window* Brian hates clutter.

Heard unemployment was 10%, but I just did a quick poll of everyone at the office, and it seems like that number may be way high.

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you're fired. WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS? India's tiger population is up 30%!

[interview] BOSS: So I see you majored in communication? ME: No...miscommunication BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication ME: See?

My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn't have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

[interview] THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it? ME: thank you.

[Job interview] "How would you describe yourself?" "I'd use the appropriate adjectives." "Anything else?" "Over-literal sometimes."

Boss: Let's be frank. Me: Dibs on "Sinatra."

[interview] "Tell me about a time you defied authority to achieve a goal." Me: no

james[jesus' brother]: i need off my bro passed away boss: gotcha man [3 days later] james: i need off my brothers in town boss: now hold on

Before I go into a job interview, I always dump Gatorade over my head so everyone knows I'm a winner.

[job interview] How would you improve our business? "Dude, I'd bankrupt you in a week. I'm just catchin Pokemon in your office."