Work Jokes

Interviewer: "Your resume says you're paranoid." Me: "My resume has been talking behind my back?"

Me: [bursts into wife's meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED! Wife: Dave, I'm at wo- Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

[interview] "what's you're biggest weakness?" *whispers* "sorry i couldn-" I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME

I can't wait to start blaming the GOP for everything wrong in America not being magically fixed upon their election to office.

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid? Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

[home depot] employee[yelling]: YOU CAN'T DO THAT IN HERE me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT

Whenever someone says they did something "like a boss" I assume that means they didn't do it at all and are taking credit for it.

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?! [Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

*interview for new roommate* Ninja: I know it's a small place, but you won't even know I'm here.

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter Me: yes that's right Interviewer: where at Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

[Job Interview] Boss: What is your best trait? Me: Procrastination. B: How is that a positive? M: I'll give you my reasons. Later.

[Lizard Enterprises HQ] Lizard Boss: Um excuse me, do you work here? Snake balancing on 4 toothpicks (nervously): Uh yessir why do you ask?

Locked myself out of my office 3 times today if anyone's looking for a responsible adult

BOSS: I don't know if you're the right man for the job BAKER: NO PLEASE *holds up dough* I KNEAD THIS

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I've set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he know about my tastes in women's underwear?

Coworker: I can't believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better. Me *should have

"There's an all you can eat--" CUT TO: My spinning empty office chair

BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn't you? ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea? BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?

The original "Ben Hur" was a mega hit movie ....with ( 11 ) Oscars. The remake is a box office flop. A clear case of "Ben Hur, Done That"

I just had to leave the office kitchen because two co-workers were talking about tea bags and I'm 12

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.