Work Jokes

People keep asking me today "So you have a new boss?" No, I'm still with my wife.

[interview] What's your greatest weakness? ME: Probably avoiding tough questions Can you elaborate on that? ME: Oh hey look at the time!

If you can say "I made six figures last year," you either have a well paying job or you're the worst employee at a toy factory.

boss: I've been reviewing the security footage from last night and... me: OH SHIT! boss: OH SHIT IS RIGHT! YOUR DANCE MOVES ARE ON POINT!

Me: yeah, I'm not going to make it in today. Boss:of course, this snow is crazy. Me: Snow?

Pizza Hut Employee: I'm sorry but we don't deliver bog grass. I'm not even sure what that is. Moose: [incoherent bellowing]

[Job Interview] *okay, he can't find out I'm a wolf* *fixes tie* *checks breath* IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS

ACTORS' TIP: can't afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add "driving stunts" to your resume

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where's my Oscar?

That will be $6.34, and would you like to donate a dollar to the children's hospital or do you prefer being judged by a Taco Bell employee?

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you've been seeing for less than a week.

So apparently in a job interview, if the interviewer asks you to choose one word that describes you, the correct answer is not fergalicious.

My out-of-office voicemail greeting is just a solid three minutes of dry heaving.

*gives joke answer to daughter's 75th consecutive question* [20 years later, she's in an office] "Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973"

these days it seems like all the talented promisimg sandwich artists work for Subway, churning out the same lifeless corporate sandwibch art

"I didn't go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting" I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO's coffee pot.

And the Best McDonald's Employee of the Month goes to Mad Max: Fury Road.

Superman's first day at the daily planet. Boss: Since you're new, you might need supervision. Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

[interview] Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years? Me: "OMG I'M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!"

Nothing like listening to old school rap on the way to the office to make you want to smack a bitch.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It's called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

My boss just asked if I'm illiterate, which is offensive because I know exactly who my father is.

[finds money in jacket] nice [finds more money in pants] Today is my day. On a roll Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Let's make a deal. You sing Christmas music in the office and I'll leave 5 minutes early to let the air out of your tires. Deal?

Its so awkward meeting new people. Especially when they go in for a handshake and you go in for an open-mouth kiss.