Work Jokes

[interview for doctor's office receptionist] "Can you schedule appointments and be friendly" Yes. "Sorry we're looking for the opposite"

[meeting] DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI PRODUCER: Yes! D: A huge cast P: Agreed! D: Realistic family photos P: We don't have the budget

Bee: I got a stinger bro! Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I'm late. Whats my special power? God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit

we need a cold and annoying genius type, who should we cast? [Benedict Cumberbatch claws at the office window] hmmm who to cast? [he meows]

[interview] Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread Me: That's right [cut to supermarket] Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?

A horror movie, but the monster chasing me is my coworker that wants to tell me about her date last night. *twists ankle by the copier

Spring makes every day feel like you're stuck in the office on a Friday afternoon.

NURSE: I promise. It's ok. You can come in. MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*

I don't mind meeting her parents. It's her husband I have always been avoiding.

I just know my cause of death will be trying to scoot my office chair around as fast as possible.

Boss: Got good news & bad news. Me: Ya? Him: I'm leaving for another job. Me: Ok..Whats the bad news? Him: .. Me: You planning to come back?

Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend. Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl's best friend.

Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans? Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won't believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.

[Little Caesar's meeting] "We need a new, clever slogan" *everyone looks at Jim* Jim: Um... Pizza...Pizza? "Jim...U just saved this company"

You ever lied so much on a resume, you're actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?

"Your resume says you've been to prison?" Me: Sorry, that's a mistake "So you haven't?" Me: I have, I just didn't mean to put it on there

Me: so I've been a little unclear regarding everything you've asked me to do since Monday Boss: Jesus Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.

Boss: It's almost quitting time. Drinks? Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself. Boss:...

Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??

Boss: Just spend the company's money with the same discretion as you would your own. Me: I understand. *bankrupts the company

Boss: What's your five-year goal? Me: Paid administrative leave.

[HR office] Do you know why we called you in today? To give me a pay rise? No. Because I googled 'How to burn down office' 600 times? Yes.

[tv interview] I'm with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you? [cut to Amy crying] MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short - now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

"Hi I'm here to interview for the branch manager position." "We're only hiring tree trimmers." "That's exactly what I just said."