Work Jokes

I hope there's not a huge turnout at my Claustrophobic's Anonymous meeting tonight.

I wanna work for a company where if you pass the drug test you get fired.

Me: *shakes bosses hand* Sorry I'm late to the meeting boss. Boss: No problem, restroom? Me: Yes, and we're out of TP and hand soap again.

" I made my famous dip for the office party" You're a regular Abe Lincoln. "But he wasn't a chef" Exactly

Working on my resume. How do I spin "total mess" into a marketable skill?

The most awkward part of meeting new people is when my kids say, "Please help us."

[at interview] Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself. Me: I'd rather not. I kinda want this job.

"Seriously? No one has ANY other suggestions??" - Guy at the meeting to name Siemens Mattress Company

My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone's unattended Facebook page and post "I'm undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?"

My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.

"You're not the Bruce Springsteen of me!" - Angry employee from New Jersey

Cupid came to help. He drew his bow and fired an arrow at Raina, but his aim was low. I was forever in love with her feet.

[office] DAVE: We're having a baby SUE: Congratulations! ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?

Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear: "The meeting's cancelled."

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music? Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

[chef interview] BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon ME: Yeah, that means you're missing a jar

(business meeting) *drops pen on the floor* *bends over to pick it up* *shirt comes untucked* *all the jelly beans start falling out*

[end of interview] Any questions for me? Yes. Why didn't the glass slipper also disappear at midnight? YOU ARE SO HIRED.

[job interview] HR: Says here you're very good at multi-tasking *me taking a selfie & spinning in chair HR: *whispering "wow he's good"

[interview] "Describe yourself in three words." Me: responds poorly to authority

Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it's time to dispose of the boss's body, they all pretend to be working.

Interview tip: maintain eye contact. If they try to look at documents, put your head between them and the documents.

listen here best buy employee, the constitution says I'm entitled to the pursuit of happiness, so i am taking this will smith dvd ok?

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me. Me: Yup, that's how digestion works.

My boss said when I'm at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said "you're the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it"