Work Jokes

I rarely watch Fox news because every time I do I feel like I'm sitting in on a very unpleasant condo board meeting

job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre "dress for the job u want, right?" then just stare at them

[Mon] Boss: Let's talk about your clothes Adam: But it's my best leaf B: You need officewear A: Understood [Tues] B: Is that a sticky note?

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she "couldn't make it in to work." This is called managing upwards, people.

Boss left his email open. Me: *looks around, send email to district manager "i love you" Now we wait

Boss: Is that beer? You're not supposed to drink at work! Me: You're not supposed to cheat on your wife. Boss: You're doing a great job.

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back* Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

So do people not like it when you tell them they could totally do better after meeting their spouse? Flattery is hard.

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality. Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place. Boss: ....?

[meeting a couple at dog park] "BARK BARK!" GF: He's usually not like this [pulls me aside] GF: Stop yelling bark bark at those nice people

Note to self: "rubber" in the US does NOT mean "eraser". Bright side: my popularity in this office is at an all time high!

me: this MAN thinks he's ENTITLED to my time! hey buddy i don't OWE you anything!! my boss: do you...know how jobs work

Just found a $5 bill in the dryer. -Adds money laundering to criminal resume.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE'S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

I just really hate it when people start assuming things.nnnJust like my boss he assumes that I'm working just because I came to work today.

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog. BOSS: What's updog? ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

People ask me, "Matt, how do you do it?" , "Matt, what's your secret?" , "Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?"

You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I've never laughed so hard...

????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR ????LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR ????LET THE BODIES HIT THE- "Carl, you're fired. You're a horrible mortician."

INTERN 1: 6 in the Oval Office INTERN 2: 4 in the Roosevelt Room INTERN 3: 1 in the Lincoln Bedroom BIDEN: Okay, let's go catch some Pokemon

Shoutout to that one time I confused narcolepsy and necrophilia during a job interview.

The doctor told me I need to rest so I dropped the kids off at his office & now he won't stop calling me as if that's going to help me rest.

I like to remind my kids who's boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

Boss: you're late Me: traffic Carol: he was in his car taking selfies again Me: goddammit Carol, I will cut you

Me : I wanna go home Boss: where's your dedication? Me : I left it at home can I go get it ?