Work Jokes

~Little Mermaid family meeting~ Ariel.... We found this hidden in your top drawer. *places sea cucumber on table*

I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.

Had a skype interview yesterday and I completely avoided the fact that I am actually a centaur

[staff meeting] "Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there's a 420% chance you shouldn't eat the brownie inside"

*Runs 6 miles* *Adds Kenyan to resume*

As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.

Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I'm an idiot Me: Don't ask. They swore me to secrecy.

Boss: You gonna get any work done today? Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I'll pick it up. B: Who won? M: Jack Daniels

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

Apparently, my office doesn't think the women's restroom needs a tampon disposal, so wrapped it up and put it in their suggestion box.

Pharmacy employee you're too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

Sometimes I get take out sushi and eat it at an aquarium just to remind the fish who's boss.

My boss dropped a pen, bent to pick it up, my b-ball instincts took over, I slapped his ass, said 'nice hustle' & now I need a new job.

Autocorrect changed "meeting" to "mating" and now my boss and I aren't meeting with Bob after work.

[1st Day working at Hotel California] Guest: Id like 2 check out Me: Sure! Youre all set! G: Thanks! [Leaves] Boss: Can I see u in my office

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we're gonna fight crime together

I keep forgetting the "o" part of "Hello." My boss is NOT happy with the way I've been answering his phone.

"Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let's try to actually get something done today. All in favor?" Crowd: "NEIGH!" "Jesus Christ."

Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said "We do our business in your mouth" and I haven't stopped laughing.

[interview for waiter position] Manager: "So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?" Stegosaurus: "You're kidding me right?"

[doing an identification at the coroner's office] It's not her; my wife has a head.

[Boss' office] "You're late AGAIN." Drove back for my phone. "Why do need it at work?" It's all I do. "WHAT?" I said, IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU.

I'm going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game: What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

[speaking at an AA meeting] Me: You'll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding *everyone cheers*

I keep trying to e-mail Mubarak, but all I get is "Out of Office".