Work Jokes

Coworker: I need someone in the backfill position Brain: Do. Not. Say. Anything. Me: um hopefully you fill the gap soon Brain: oh dear

*at interview* Him: What would you say are your strengths? Me: Words Him: Can you say more? Me: More Him: Me: I'm also good at directions

[1st day at Subway] Boss: u said u'd done this before Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I'm really more of an abstract sandwich artist

Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I'm by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. :(

Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, "I'm wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!"

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle] Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop. [puts in earbuds]

You really dropped the ball today Ted. You're fired. "Please, no. I can try harder." You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.

[Dr's office] "I have Carrie like reflexes" Don't you mean cat-like reflexes? *Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire* No

Listening to my coworker cry about her gag reflex not being able to swallow her allergy pills.. All I keep thinking is: Her poor boyfriend..

"Operator, run this licence plate please Echo Alpha Tango Alpha Delta India Charlie Kilo" - Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

DOG BOSS: Any messages for me? DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy DOG BOSS: who's Agoodboy? DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*

*family meeting at Noah's house* who wants us to do what by when?

I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says....

[meeting] BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan ME: Perhapselline? MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline? B: You're incredible, Gary

Ranger Station BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately ME: No way *porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*

Protip: If you're walking in your office taking deep breaths because someone made popcorn, don't forget to stop as you enter the restroom.

Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

Boss: "you're fired" Me: "I guess we're just gonna have to agree to disagree"

excuse me, waitress? "I'm not a waitress" Oh, what are you then "Well, I'm a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?"

I'm pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

My coworker doesn't like me which is weird bc her husband does.

Nothing makes me happier to be single than meeting a couple who share an email address.

Meeting friends for dinner. Can't find my phone so I'm bringing along a TV remote to stare at.

I went to a AAA meeting today and a guy celebrated 21 years. That is some responsible vehicle ownership.

Sometimes I bring maracas to a meeting just to shake things up.