Work Jokes

(in dog boss' office) "Smith, you're fired." Fine. I guess I'll just WALK out... (boss' tail starts wagging) "Wait Smith get back here"

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths? APPLICANT: I'm a detail-oriented team player [nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

[interview with girl at dating agency] i get shy around pretty girls [girl smiles brushing hair from her face] "are you shy now" not really

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

Me: Boss our sales are really going updog. Boss: You mean up? Me: No, updog. Boss: What's updog? Me: Not our sales. We're bankrupt.

[Meeting] *Gestures to pie chart* "Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds."

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

*Watching YouTube videos* Boss: What are you watching? Me: .... Boss: ... Me: Church? Boss: That's a dog on a unicycle. Me: Praise The Lord!

[Crossword] 7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters COWORKER 21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters COWORKER

"What are you doing here?" I just got fired from the circus "Oh my" Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond

Rules for meeting a puppy: 1 be cool 2 pet it 3 do not steal it 4 stop running from the owner 5 put it down 6 this isn't worth jail time

1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping. 2. Put them in coworker's drawer. 3. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!"

Me: *explains idea* Boss: That's the dumbest idea ever Me:*clears throat* *repeats exact same idea in a British accent* Boss: Brilliant!

pull a prank on your boss by not showing up to work ever again, instant classic

Is no shave November just for men? Asking for my female Italian coworker and her mustache.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview* Nexft queffstun pleeazse "Umm. Your biggest weakness?" Panfccakes

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who's not Employee of the Month.

"How about... we change the 6 to a 7?" "I love it!" --board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year's Eve

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic ME: *covers face with hands* BABY BOSS: oh guess he's out for lunch. I'll talk to him later

[meeting the parents] Do you have one in blonde?

coworker: those are some crazy socks me: well I guess th- socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE

*breaks glass* *pulls fire alarm* [outside] Great, now that you're all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I'm weird.

Its amazing how much power a simple clipboard can wield. Today I fired my boss. What could he say? I have the clipboard.

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

Every time I go into my boss' office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.