Work Jokes

I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting..

There's no "u" in employee. You're fired.

Told my boss the salary I want when I move to California. Him: so you want the moon and all the stars too? Me: and Saturn.

*slowly raises hand 20 minutes into an important office meeting* so there are no donuts?

Interview: "What's your greatest weakness?" *I look at my watch then lean in* How much time do you have?

RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN'T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I'M PREGNANT

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

[interview] "Where you see yourself in 5 years?" Doing your job. "And me?" Jobless and upset about the divorce "OMG" *runs out crying*

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office? [I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss... and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

Someone once asked me if I was drunk. I said yes. That was the shortest job interview I've ever had.

*Boss approaches desk* "What the fu.." Me, wearing paper clip necklace - "See? I knew you'd be mad so I made you one too"

I've never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that's running 30 minutes over time.

"Will you marry me?" "The cookie was poison" "The lotto numbers will never win" Examples of why I got fired from writing fortune cookies

For every person pleased at meeting their TC in real life. Another 762 are climbing out of bathroom windows and smashing their phone.

"Nice to meet you," she said, meeting me for the third time

*in an interview* Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job. Applicant: 5-7PM po. Me: Applicant: 8PM. Me:

Coworker: Happy Thanksgiving Eve! Gobble til you wobble! Me: *mutters* How bout you slobble on my knobble CW: What was that? Me: You too

Boss: This is the 3rd time I've seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means? Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

I always put pennies in that thing at the convenience store so I can put "benefactor" on my resume.

I should run for political office just to see what kind of scandalous dirt they dig up. It would be nice to piece together my twenties.

60% of my day is spent quickly closing non work-related browser windows when my boss walks by.

Just once In a post-game interview, I'd love to see an athlete credit Natural Selection for his team's win.

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again CEO: my God [10yrs later] CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

BOSS: I'm sorry mike, but you've been downsized ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan