Work Jokes

"You know what would make this rice even better? Racism." - Pitch meeting for Uncle Ben's

[Job interview] "You list communication as a strength" Yes "Care to elaborate?" No

[Interview room] Me: I'm not saying a word without my lawyer present Cop: You ARE the lawyer Me: So where's my present?!

4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work? Me: No, I have to listen to my boss. 4: Mom is at your work?

[oval office] SECRETARY: (shrieks) there's a dead rat on my desk! PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word "bifurcated" during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

It appears the brain trust has commenced its meeting. Listen to those synapses fire.

BOSS: Don't just stand there. ME: Bust a move? BOSS: What? ME: Nothing, I'll go make some copies.

ME: any advice DAD: its ok to embellish a little [later at job interview] INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself M: i wrote harry potter

[looks up from laptop while updating resume] son, you're good with computers "I'm alright" how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN'T automatic. The human race is doomed.

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP* Boss: WTH?! Me: It's Natl Bully Month Boss: No, it's Natl Bully PREVENTION Month! Me: well this is awkward

*ex GF pulls up to drive thru where I work* "Big mac please" "Would u like LIES with that?!" *my boss dragging me away* "LIES, LUCY.. LIES!"

Gonna do a few laps around the office talking into a pop tart like a cell phone just to remind my co-workers that safety is an illusion.

Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.

When impersonating a coworker, I like to add a little extra dumb to their voice.

Dear Applicant, Your resume appears to be a string of stolen tweets. Congratulations, you're our new VP of Marketing!

No thanks Kentucky Derby. If I wanted to see a defenseless animal get beat into submission I'd just call my boss.

[Job Interview] HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness? Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath "I can't forgive people"

Coworker: I couldn't sleep. Just thinking all night Me: Maybe try doing some of that here in the office during the day

[job interview] "So where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Getting asked this question somewhere else

I don't think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, "Where are your pants?"

Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.

Job interview: " if you want the job lick the floor" -what? -lick the floor if you want the job *licks floor* Eww gross, can't hire that guy

[job interview] "Tell me about yourself" *flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests* I'm a risk taker