Work Jokes

Office fun: replace your coworker's mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him "baby hands" until he quits

Boss: John, tell me your greatest weakness Me: Honesty B: I don't think that's a weakness M: I don't give a shit what you think.

[interview at winery] What strengths do you bring to the job? *long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now

Boss: Where's the progress report I asked u for Me: I haven't made any progress that's my report What I imagine it'd be like if I had a job

My financial advisor told me that I could catch up on my bills if I stopped buying so much pizza. We laughed and laughed. Then I fired him.

BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention ME: so... stop, collaborate, and listen? BOSS: you're fired

[Pizza falls on the ground] Hold HOLD! -Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it's been a full five seconds.

Drugs are really bad for your mind. All these years I thought I worked in an office, but it turns out I'm actually a centaur.

My son just said he doesn't like cheese and now I have to interview all the mailmen in my neighborhood

Whenever a fast food employee reads my order back to me I always say, "did you just call me fat?" They love that.

Boss-You're Always the first one here! Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right? *gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting

Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called? Me: Gelt. Coworker: Guilt? Me: No, Jews get that all year round.

Coworker: crazy weather we're having Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES

Job interview: - Good morning - Good morning - Have you got a twitter account? - Yes - Ok, thanks for your time. We'll get back to you

We could power our entire office with the wind produced from my constant sighing.

*walks into Walmart wearing pants* Walmart employee: Shit, corporate's here

[arrives at sales meeting with giraffe I bought last month] "Ok, did everyone bring a graph tracking your activity this month?" ME: uh oh

I would rather wander around a store for 9 hours than ask an employee where something is and this I do not understand

so embarrassing when u think u nailed the big interview and it turns out he was interviewing the guy behind u the whole time

Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I'll stop them and whisper, "Like you mean it."

Facebook tells me today is "National Winnie the Pooh Day" ... I hope they're ok with me just wearing a red t-shirt & no pants to the office

Boss: I've been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise *everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

Just sent my boss an email that said "Keep me coming" instead of "Keep 'em coming." So, that's fun.

Boss "I'm looking for a volunteer." Me *chops off own legs "I can't!" Co-worker "I'm busy, sorry." Me "damn, that's a better excuse."

Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas Boss: it's May Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas