My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we're clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.

[Doctor's Office] Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease. "Is it bad, doc?" Yes, but bear in mind- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Boss: Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Me: Not cool, dude. Jan's just pregnant. Him:.. Me: Jan if you report this I got your back.

[vet office] Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up. *doctor walks out* "Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we- I'll take my cat elsewhere