Work Jokes

coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn't work here because people that are on fire can't work.

Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting? Biden: Young Metro. Obama: Why did you call- Biden: Shhh. I got this.

Is this your resume? "Yep" It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away "Oh yes" Welcome to UPS!

BOSS: I'm sorry I just don't trust your judgment. ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ's property. It's 1994.

[job interview] "Have any questions?" Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?

It's so quiet in our office you can actually hear the dreams fizzling out.

My boss at Walmart said I have to stop Febreezing the homeless and that they aren't homeless, they're customers.

[Starbucks meeting] ME: Sorry I'm "latte" haha BOSS: Aren't you the guy we fired for biting a customer

[100 year old man on job interview] "Do you have any references?" Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*

*walks into work 20 minutes late* *boss glares at me* "Sorry. Traffic." *boss gestures to my Starbucks cup* "Oh this? I found it."

"I traded my carpet in for bare floors" --coworker. "Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.", said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding] "You missed work bc you said you were sick...& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING" *fist bump*

The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist's hands in my mouth today. #survivor

BOSS: why are you so late? ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

[board meeting] "So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?" "I call it the 'Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower'." "No."

*goes on job interview* -You come very highly recommended. -Why thank you, I always try to be as stoned as possible before I come to work.

[Biden runs into the oval office] "Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed"

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don't touch me.

Boss: You need supervision. Me: *squints really, really hard*

[Interview] "You were arrested for armed robbery?" I had no choice. It's silly to try and rob a bank without your arms. "We'll be in touch."

[interview] HIM: What are your strengths? ME: Well, I can see dead people. HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies? ME: Grave digging

"I made six figures last year." - Extremely lazy G.I. Joe employee.

"Your resume lists the skills 'poor timing' & 'awkward'?" Can I have a raise? "We haven't hired you." Oh. You're very handsome. "I see."