Work Jokes

Manager: Your fired Me: *You're Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud Me: How did you know I corrected you

[meeting at round table] "King Arthur, if I may?" "Go ahead." "Castles but bouncier." "Bouncy castles?" "But you gotta take your shoes off."

can you start monday at 8? "yes, thank you for the opportunity" [calls new boss at his home on sunday night] hello? "am or pm?"

That's great about your engagement, promotion and new car. I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry. Samsies!

[at job interview] It says here that you are very hands on. Yes, sir, I am. Can you give me an example of this? *gently caresses his face*

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

Boss approaches, I frantically close my google image search of cats hugging, only to show a new window of cats in formal wear. I get fired.

(Job interview) "How would you describe yourself?" I'm very vague "Ok, can you be more specific?" No

So on your resume, under references, you wrote "it's a trap!", "do him job", "that rug really tied the room together, man" and "The Matrix"

An unsung legacy of Bill Clinton's presidency is that since he left office, no sitting President has shot a load on a non-spouse.

Ever since they started calling pole dancers "artists," I've been writing on my resume that my talents include "moving in artistic circles."

*Sets cellphone ringtone to sound like office fire alarm *calls cell phone *waits

My boss caught me sleeping on the job and told me to clean out my desk as if he didn't just see how lazy I am.

[Interview] "Why'd you leave ur last job?" My boss felt threatened by me [Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

"Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?" Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

how do I tell my boss I don't want to do work anymore but still want money

Coworker: That's a stupid song Me: Your face is stupid Coworker: Way to be mature Me: YOUR FACE IS MATURE!!

"Boss, I've got a probl-" "There are no such things as problems, only opportunities" "Oh, ok. I've got a serious drinking opportunity"

there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them

[In line at Starbucks] [Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so- [Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS

I miss dating The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window...

"We're a completely paperless office." Wow, that's really cool. [Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom] Well this sucks.

When I hear my boss coming over to my desk, I mask my body's heat signature with mud and sit still hoping she won't see me.

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend's dad for the first time?

If I were in a musical, I'd get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.