Work Jokes

Yesterday I extinguished a colleague's cigarette at the office with a water pistol. Adds firefighter to resume

Whats a dentists favorite time of day? The time of day he get into his BMW to go home from the dentists office after touching mouths all day

ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter] EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone? ME: You must be new here.

I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.

Boss:I need you to do something for me... Me:what? Boss:go on the jobcentre website and look for another job

There are starving kids in Africa. IHOP has a "Kids Eat Free" promotion. Just build an IHOP in Africa. Problem solved.

I would fake a heart attack but this coworker would just try to finish his story in the ambulance ride to the hospital.

The toughest part of a job interview is finding the exact right moment to go in for the kiss.

She might be Satan, but if I'm going to hell, I want to be sleeping with the boss.

Fun prank: brand your boss with the mark of the beast so he becomes a mindless demon slave wandering the earth killing in the name of Satan

at Nike advertising meeting I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don't care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec

[ during job interview ] - "Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?" - "I give up, why?"

[job interview] You sure you know what it means to be a real estate developer? [i picture myself yelling at a building to try harder] Yes

My autocorrect just changed "I'm off" to "I'm DTF" and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?! ME: Aww... I would, but I already have plans. MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

Me: I killed another one, boss. Mob boss: You don't work for me. Me: I volunteered. Mob boss:*Looking angry* Me: I'm gonna get back to work.

*Shrek pre-production meeting* Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet Guy who named the donkey "Donkey": I was thinking Dragon sir

ME: i'm nervous WIFE: don't be. just be confident [later] BOSS: so do you think you'd be right for the job ME: *confidently* no

[walks into 4D ultrasound office] Receptionist: Uh sir. This is for pregnant women Me: I just want to see my burrito again

My boss wrote accidently wrote "Pantera" instead of "Panera" and now I'm dressed really inappropriately for this business lunch.

95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now. Overall productivity level remains steady.

"Hire me or I'll eat your family." -effective bear resume

Me: Are these your kids? Boss: "Yep" They're gorgeous! "Thanks" Step kids? "Nope" Adopted? "No.." .. ".." She's cheating on you.. "Get out"

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I've been referring to the office as "ruthless" since then. People are pissed.

Knew a guy who wore a shirt that just said "hentai" to work knowing his boss couldn't write him up without admitting he knew what hentai is