Work Jokes

ME: You're saying I'm not smart enough for this job? BOSS: Well, yes. ME: [points to computer] Just because I can't use the typewriter TV?

[interview for fireman] "So why do you think you're a good fireman?" I lit the building on fire "What?" Now watch as I try to put it out

Work meeting Boss: it's come to my attention that someone has been eating out of the trash! Everyone, including his pet raccoon looks at me

Had a discussion with my boss about how lanyards can strangle.... conversation took a turn.... I am either fired or getting a HUGE raise x2

[job interview for garbageman] interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you're hired Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]

I'm meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he'll be deleting my number in a few hours.

Temperature in the office is set to Dante.

[Office] Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now. Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

So far at work I've straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here.

Coworker: What did you do on vacation? Me: Didn't come to work. Coworker: I know that! Me: Good. Glad you understand how vacations work.

[interview after finishing last in the olympics] do you regret saying "I could win this race wearing flip flops" [pulls mic close] yes

My boss told me: "Dress for the job you want..." so there will be a stormtrooper at tomorrow morning's meeting.

[break room] coworker: what's for lunch? me: [eating] food, generally cw: no, I mean what are you having? me: an unwanted conversation

Boss: Where'd you go?? Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen. Boss: Okay? Me: So I went to lunch.

The Job Interview: HR: So you are bilingual? Me: Si HR: In your native tongue please. Me: Ooga Booga

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears* I wish for World peace. Genie: Can't do it. Million dollars? Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.

*Deletes 34 unheard voicemail messages from phone. *Adds "extremely organized" to resume.

[interview at the Pringles factory] BOSS: why do you wanna work here? TENNIS BALL: {don't say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary. Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary's case goes to trial...

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she's tweeting during the meeting.

One of my fantasies is meeting Bono from U2 and saying "I'm a huge fan, Bobo."

Saw the pictures of the Hooters girls who were fired due to weight discrimination? Now I'm in the mood for Wings, Muffin Tops & Camel Toes

Just remember Mom, you can't spell "disappointment" without "appointment" which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.

I told my boss I'm calling in sick today. He said, "You can't do that when you're already here." Is that true you guys?

[At job interview] M. "No, English is my second language." I. "What's your first language then?" M. "Emoji."