Work Jokes

Wife: Whatya doin? Me: I fixed the toilet so I'm adding Potty Fixer to my resume W: You mean Plumber? M: DO I LOOK LIKE A HOUSE SCIENTIST?

Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.

Sorry champ, but getting "promoted" from fries to drive-thru is not a promotion.

I love the compliments my boss gives like "wow you're on time today" and "great job ignoring dress code again".

I just realized I can make 50 funny faces at my boss in less than 30 seconds while the elevator door closes. Anyway, got fired.

My doctor recommended that I should stab an unsuspecting coworker, or do some anger management or something.

Boss: Are you high? Me: If I was high could I do this? *teleports two inches to the right*

I'm the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says "Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?"

[job interview] What are your strengths? Me: inventing special occasions. Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*

It's fun to smudge your lipstick and ruffle your hair before you come out of your bosses office, then give your work colleagues a wink.

[job interview] What's ur greatest strength? "I wear too much cologne" No, I mean- "A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator"

Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking? Me: No B: Tell me our company policy M: Lol, I can't even do that when I'm sober

Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he's going to the clinic for a 'work related' injury.

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

It's not working. I've napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.

You think Minnie Mouse ever got drunk & decided to bang Goofy after a Disney mixer? -Was the last time my boss asked me for my thoughts

[interview] What is your biggest weakness? "Sometimes I'm too succinct" Can you give an example? "Yes"

me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up me at now am: Did my coworker just say "email" or "bee jail". what did the bee do

A WOMAN: i've only been washing my hair ME: IN THE OFFICE BATHROOM SINK!! ME TOO!! THE WOMAN: once a ME: ONCE I WAKE UP I KNOW SAME ME TOO!!

My daughter put a horse's head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.

Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math! Me: Seriously?! It's 2AM and I'm leading a meeting tomorrow

[JOB INTERVIEW] {Don't let them know you're a tectonic plate} "What would you say is your biggest fault?" San Andreas?

My Wife: Why are you home so early? Me: My boss told me to go to hell

Me: You can just keep that pen. Coworker: Sure? Me: Yeah. I noticed you don't wash your hands in the restroom. Cw.. Me: I told everyone.

Boss: "We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die."